Giving The Gift That Sucks!
As I've posted before, I don't seem to have much luck with vacuums... And when I'm really counting on a clean carpet (ie. guests coming over), that's when the whole damn machine goes kablooie! This is what happened to me on Friday with the devil of all vacuums, the Eureka Boss (ie. what a piece of CRAP!) Just as I set to getting the family room free of dog hair and carpet lint the whole thing begins billowing smoke... And not a "Gee, that's a lovely incense your burning." kind of smoke but a "Holy crap, the 3rd gate to hell just opened up and there's a stench filling the room that's attacking my delicate nose hairs... In fact, the fake ficus just wilted!" Needless to say, that's the LAST time the 'Boss' will be blowing its evil winds in the Blystone household... Because that vacuum did a LOT more 'blowing' than it ever did 'sucking.'
[Side note: My husband put 'The Boss' out at the curb for the trash man... However, the beast had disappeared before the garbage truck ever arrived... I surmise that it either beat it's own path back to hell... Or it's now the property of some poor unfortunate neighbor who is clueless to the evil they've unleashed on their humble abode.]
After pitching the demon into the garage on Friday, I was left with the back-up 'Bissell' which is less of an evil machine and more comparable to a 'Yugo'... It tries, it really does... But it just lacks the power to be good for much of anything. I'd say the only thing that machine is really good for is an aerobic workout. Vacuuming my daughters room looked and sounded something like this...
Bissell: Back & Forth, Back & Forth... "whir, whir, look at me go!"
Me: (pushing) "What the ___, Why are those pieces of lint STILL there?"
Bissell: Back & Forth, Back & Forth... "whir, whir, look at me go!"
Me: (bending over and picking up a piece of the lint and dropping it back to the floor.) "What's wrong with you Bissell? Clearly, I can pick up the lint!"
Bissell: Back & Forth, Back & Forth... "I'm tryin', I'm tryin'" *well, it didn't actually TALK to me, but if it could, I assume that's what it would've been saying.
Me: (picking up lint, dropping it and running over it with the Bissell several times to see if it's working at all.)... Cut to me later literally banging my head against the wall, after having done it figuratively for the previous 20 minutes.
Eventually I deduced that the only real work was being done by ME and almost relegated the Bissell to the garage alongside the curs'ed Boss... But my husband said he'd like to keep the Bissell in the workshop in case he's in need of some aerobic activity himself... Plus, the Bissell isn't evil... It's just plain LAZY!
So this weekend meant... Vacuum Shopping!
I had to pass on Saturday because I promised to work at the pottery studio and told my husband to just go check out the 'Oreck' store and bring me home a sturdy model. That's when he read online that a man should NEVER choose a vacuum for his wife, if she does the majority of the vacuuming... Which I do... In fact there isn't even one 'minority' vacuumer in the entire household, not even the dog and SHE's the reason the house needs so much vacuuming in the first place!
Sunday dawned cold and clear... However, by the time we made it out to the stores we were driving in and out of snow showers (damn snow!)... And after 2 stores, several stress tests and very careful consideration.... THIS is the new model... The vacuum of ALL vacuums... Consumer Reports #1 Choice for quality suction! Yet hopefully, completely void of any and all 'Suckiness'
[Side note: My husband put 'The Boss' out at the curb for the trash man... However, the beast had disappeared before the garbage truck ever arrived... I surmise that it either beat it's own path back to hell... Or it's now the property of some poor unfortunate neighbor who is clueless to the evil they've unleashed on their humble abode.]
After pitching the demon into the garage on Friday, I was left with the back-up 'Bissell' which is less of an evil machine and more comparable to a 'Yugo'... It tries, it really does... But it just lacks the power to be good for much of anything. I'd say the only thing that machine is really good for is an aerobic workout. Vacuuming my daughters room looked and sounded something like this...
Bissell: Back & Forth, Back & Forth... "whir, whir, look at me go!"
Me: (pushing) "What the ___, Why are those pieces of lint STILL there?"
Bissell: Back & Forth, Back & Forth... "whir, whir, look at me go!"
Me: (bending over and picking up a piece of the lint and dropping it back to the floor.) "What's wrong with you Bissell? Clearly, I can pick up the lint!"
Bissell: Back & Forth, Back & Forth... "I'm tryin', I'm tryin'" *well, it didn't actually TALK to me, but if it could, I assume that's what it would've been saying.
Me: (picking up lint, dropping it and running over it with the Bissell several times to see if it's working at all.)... Cut to me later literally banging my head against the wall, after having done it figuratively for the previous 20 minutes.
Eventually I deduced that the only real work was being done by ME and almost relegated the Bissell to the garage alongside the curs'ed Boss... But my husband said he'd like to keep the Bissell in the workshop in case he's in need of some aerobic activity himself... Plus, the Bissell isn't evil... It's just plain LAZY!
So this weekend meant... Vacuum Shopping!
I had to pass on Saturday because I promised to work at the pottery studio and told my husband to just go check out the 'Oreck' store and bring me home a sturdy model. That's when he read online that a man should NEVER choose a vacuum for his wife, if she does the majority of the vacuuming... Which I do... In fact there isn't even one 'minority' vacuumer in the entire household, not even the dog and SHE's the reason the house needs so much vacuuming in the first place!
Sunday dawned cold and clear... However, by the time we made it out to the stores we were driving in and out of snow showers (damn snow!)... And after 2 stores, several stress tests and very careful consideration.... THIS is the new model... The vacuum of ALL vacuums... Consumer Reports #1 Choice for quality suction! Yet hopefully, completely void of any and all 'Suckiness'
The Kenmore 'Progressive' Canister Vacuum
'Progressive'... That's a good sign right? It means I'm making 'Progress' in my choice of vacuums... Am I correct?
As we were purchasing our racey little model, my husband turned to me and said, "Happy Valentines Day Hon!"... Oh the romance just oozes from this man!
Labels: absurdities, Life, Love
posted by EmBee at 7:38 PM
2 Comments:
we have the dyson animal...with the 3 dogs...it is amazing! but at the same time disgusting that all of the stuff it picks up was in our carpet!!
speaking of your daughters room. I thought you said you would post pictures when you were done with the redecorating... :)
LOL, we have arguments over our vacuum all the time. it's one of thsoe rainbow thingies with a bowl of water. no one and i mena no one excpet me is willing to use this thing without a litany of complaints about havign to get the water bowl together and then having to dump it and clean it when done. honestly it is a pain in the rump but it's thie $1000 machine my mother gave us and whaddya do? it DOES the job....it's just a pain.
your man it the epitome of romance indeed!
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