Big Boned

Last week I submitted to the dreaded mammography machine. Once I reminded the technician I in fact was NOT Elastic Woman we got along fine and I was pleased to learn the 'girls' are all clear.

Seeing as I'm now 45 my doctor suggested it was time I had a 'Bone Density' screening. Unsure of what that particular procedure involved I went in with some trepidation. However, the test was a piece of cake since all I had to do was lay on a table for about 10 minutes while I had a lovely conversation with the bone density technician. Turns out I'm very good at laying down for 10 minutes. In fact, I'm pretty sure I could lay down for even longer but you know, they needed the machine for another patient.... But I'm willing to bet that next patient wasn't as good as me, at laying around for 10 minutes.

Anyway, yesterday I had my annual 'lady bits' exam and the doctor informed me he had the results of my bone density test. When he looked at my chart he said, "WOW!" Unsure what that exclamation meant I said, "What?" (In an 'oh shit' kind of way) To which he replied, "Well it seems you have the bones of a teenager."............... Let's just take a moment and let that sink in....... I... have... the... bones... of a... TEENAGER! Sorry, I'm a little excited by this because the only thing on me thus far that's even remotely 'Teenager' is my orthodontia and sadly, that isn't the least bit brag worthy.

So yeah, it turns out that a bone density of -1 is considered 'normal'. If your bone density falls into the -2 range, you're considered a candidate for osteoporosis and you'd better start taking Sally Field seriously when she prattles on about the benefits of 'Boniva'. If your bone density is -4 your body is essentially a house of cards. But, my bone density reading was +4! We're talking bones so thick... Well, I don't know they're just really thick!

So this all got me to thinking... That extra weight I've been carrying? It's because of my BONES! Obviously, my bones are SO thick they're adding an incredible amount to my overall weight, they may even need their own zip code.... And I always thought the term 'Big Boned' was a flimsy excuse but now I'm SO going with it!