Big Boned

Last week I submitted to the dreaded mammography machine. Once I reminded the technician I in fact was NOT Elastic Woman we got along fine and I was pleased to learn the 'girls' are all clear.

Seeing as I'm now 45 my doctor suggested it was time I had a 'Bone Density' screening. Unsure of what that particular procedure involved I went in with some trepidation. However, the test was a piece of cake since all I had to do was lay on a table for about 10 minutes while I had a lovely conversation with the bone density technician. Turns out I'm very good at laying down for 10 minutes. In fact, I'm pretty sure I could lay down for even longer but you know, they needed the machine for another patient.... But I'm willing to bet that next patient wasn't as good as me, at laying around for 10 minutes.

Anyway, yesterday I had my annual 'lady bits' exam and the doctor informed me he had the results of my bone density test. When he looked at my chart he said, "WOW!" Unsure what that exclamation meant I said, "What?" (In an 'oh shit' kind of way) To which he replied, "Well it seems you have the bones of a teenager."............... Let's just take a moment and let that sink in....... I... have... the... bones... of a... TEENAGER! Sorry, I'm a little excited by this because the only thing on me thus far that's even remotely 'Teenager' is my orthodontia and sadly, that isn't the least bit brag worthy.

So yeah, it turns out that a bone density of -1 is considered 'normal'. If your bone density falls into the -2 range, you're considered a candidate for osteoporosis and you'd better start taking Sally Field seriously when she prattles on about the benefits of 'Boniva'. If your bone density is -4 your body is essentially a house of cards. But, my bone density reading was +4! We're talking bones so thick... Well, I don't know they're just really thick!

So this all got me to thinking... That extra weight I've been carrying? It's because of my BONES! Obviously, my bones are SO thick they're adding an incredible amount to my overall weight, they may even need their own zip code.... And I always thought the term 'Big Boned' was a flimsy excuse but now I'm SO going with it!

TNS Tuesday - The CSA

Gee, I haven't written about The New School in ages and since it's getting to be that time of year again... Back to school time, that is... I thought I'd share with you all what some of the members of the school have been up to.

It wasn't until late June that land was acquired by Omnia Humanitas (an off-shoot humanitarian group of The New school) for a farm or CSA, which stands for 'Community Sponsored Agriculture.'

The way a CSA works is at the beginning of the season members buy shares to 'Sponsor' the farm site. As items become ready to harvest, members pick up there freshly grown vegetables once a week and reap the rewards of healthy organic produce for a very minimal cost.

Vegetables are coming in with such bounty, I scarcely have room in my fridge to contain it all. Here are just a few of the items being cultivated. These were taken back in July. My daughter is the official photographer for the project.





With this project I've been given the opportunity to try vegetables I've never eaten before. Who knew I'd like 'Chard'? I've taken to being a little more adventurous with cooking the veggies too. One night I cut up yellow squash, green onions and chard. I minced some garlic and sauteed everything in some olive oil, sprinkled some sea salt and fresh cracked pepper and viola! It was delicious! My kids, unfortunately are gutless wonders when it comes to trying new food. Especially something green.

Today I'm really going to take the plunge and roast some fresh beets. I've never had a fresh beet before but I'm damn well gonna try one. I'll let you know what I think.

Kick Ass Shuffle Tune of the Day:
This tune didn't just make me feel good... It had me feelin' 'Hella Good'... Oh, I just totally gave THAT one away.

By the way, I'm not the craziest person at the walking park. Yesterday I saw a woman holding her I-Pod up to her mouth and singing into it. I had my ear buds in at the time so I'm not sure if she was lip syncing or treating everyone to her own special brand of I-Tunes.

Scale FAIL

Although I'm determined to NOT turn this blog into a site chronicling my struggle with weight loss, I HAVE to take a moment to whine and whine LOUDLY!

The day I decided to 'Slim Down' if you will, I went directly to Kohl's to purchase a new bathroom scale. I wanted just a standard old fashioned scale as the one I was replacing was digital and worked for about oh, 2 minutes. You see, it sat directly below the towel bar and when I inadvertently hung my bathing suit to dry directly over the scale, the resulting water accumulation landed directly on the scale and apparently fried it's circuits.

Anywho, seems your standard bathroom scales aren't as available as they once were and all they had at Kohl's were various brands of the digital variety. Sure, I could've ordered a scale online but that would mean waiting to verify a starting weight. You see, I need to be able to chart progress. Oh sure, I could just wait to feel my clothes becoming looser or perhaps hang in there until someone throws a compliment my way... But I'm an instant gratification kind of gal. Which of course, is obvious, or I wouldn't be in this diet predicament to begin with. So, I purchase this scale by 'HealthoMeter'
bring it home, immediately weigh myself and offer up a prayer of thanks that at least I'm not at the heaviest I've ever been BUT there's still a world of improvement to be made.

I continue weighing myself morning and night for an entire week, noting my progress and am thrilled to see I've reached a 6 lb. loss after 9 days. 9 DAYS!!! 6 LBS!!! This is FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC!!! At this rate, by this time next year, I could be super model material (hey, I can dream can't I?) All right, I can be at the very least, no longer shopping in the plus size section.

Have I mentioned how much I HATE the plus size section? They always put it right next to the petite section, in EVERY SINGLE STORE!!! This means that if you're a plus size gal and you see something cute on that rack a few feet to your right, when you pick it up and look at the tag you realize you've stepped into petite world and feel as though every eye is upon you saying, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?" "IT WOULD TAKE MORE THAN A SHOE HORN TO GET YOU INTO ANY OF THESE OUTFITS!" "GET BACK ON YOUR OWN SIDE, LARGE WOMAN!"

So back to my 'Home-Medic' brand scale story. On Friday I walked, and all was well with the world. I'd lost 6 lbs. and I was feelin' like a goddess, or at least 6 lbs. thinner... Until that night!

My daughter had taken a shower and came downstairs and said, "I don't know about that new scale of yours, I stepped on it once and it gave me one reading and then I stepped on it again and it gave me another." I said, "Perhaps you had it sitting on the tile catawhompas?" She said, "What the heck is catawhompas? But yes, I made sure I had it leveled on the tile floor." So later, I went to check the damn thing out for myself and sure enough, I stepped on it once and it gave me one weight (you didn't honestly think I was going to share that weight HERE did you?) and then I stepped on it again and it gave me another weight 2 lbs. and 4 oz. HIGHER!!! What the Hell? So I spent the next 10 minutes shuffling that damn scale all over the bathroom floor, weighing and re-weighing myself. I'd get the same reading 4-5-6 times in a row and then, sitting in the same exact spot, it would shift again and give me a different reading, sometimes less, sometimes more.

........And then I wanted to go eat a large bowl of ice cream. Hello 'HealthoMeter'?... You FAIL!

I can't even explain what that damn scale has done for my psyche these last couple of days. I feel like that guy who lost to Michael Phelps by 1/100th of a second. You know, thinking you've won it big but then.... Okay, I know that's a completely unfair comparison but you get the gist.

So after weighing myself repeatedly on Saturday and getting readings that fluctuated between 3 and 5 lbs... I decided yesterday to NEVER step foot on that damn scale AGAIN! There's $40 down the drain.

HOWEVER, I walked again today and my mood is brighter again. I'll let you know when the clothes start getting loose or someone says, "Wow you look great! Did you lose weight?" Til then, I'll try to stop blogging about weight loss.

Here's My Kick-Ass Shuffle Tune of the Day:
This song might be a little heavy for some of you but I'm dedicating this one to Chris... It's a song he might be able to admit listening to and not catch any crap from his boys. I have to admit, this is a tune you gotta double time to or else it's too slow, but when I hear, "Now get in the pit and try to love someone" it just makes me feel like hugging a stranger... Which I would never do because the folks at the walking park are already keen on keeping their distance from that crazy woman madly stomping her way around the path.

A Foodie Watching Her Figure

Last night I went with a couple of girlfriends to see 'Julie & Julia.'

It's actually the 2nd time I've seen the movie. I saw it first a week ago with a very surly husband. I might add that I don't find movies nearly as enjoyable when the person sitting next to me is experiencing a mental breakdown because they couldn't decide BEFORE the movie started as to whether or not they should've purchased some popcorn.

Last night, with the girls, the movie was even more enjoyable, but for one minor exception... THIS time, I was dieting. Have you SEEN this movie? Butter, Cream Sauces, Cakes and CHOC-O-LATE CREAM PIE! But of all that, nothing and I mean NOTHING brought on my hungry more than the Bruschetta the character Julie makes, early on in the movie.

Last night when I went to bed, I felt like I hadn't eaten in months I was SO FREAKIN' HUNGRY!

Going to see a foodie movie while you're watching what you eat? Well that rates right up there with slathering yourself in syrup and laying on an ant hill.

The Season of Wretched Excess Draws to a Close

Before someone asks me, "When are you due?" I'm announcing TO-DAY that this is IT! My season of wretched excess has come to a close. I'm putting this out to the universe because I know if I keep something like this bottled up in my head, it's a lot easier for temptation to get the best of me and no one is the wiser... Except for that little nagging imp in my head and she's pretty easy to shut up with a bowl of chocolate ice cream.

SO, today I started a food diary... AGAIN*... And I'm about ready to head out to the store to purchase a new bathroom scale because the one we've got... that fancy digital gadget... it broke about a month after we got it. So I'll just blame all this extra girth on the bathroom scale.............. Nah, I know it's my fault. I know I haven't turned down an extra helping of well, ANYTHING, for the last several months.

Why now? Why today? Because last night as I sat down with a magazine and a generous helping of leftover chocolate cake, every damn article in the magazine was about weight management...
For instance: 'Conquer What You CRAVE'... 'The Mother Load - Sometimes it's hard to solve food issues until you untangle them from Mom issues'... 'Don't Eat Out (Without Reading This)'... And the most obnoxious of all, 'This Is What Happy Looks Like'.

With each bite of my cake I felt a little more guilty, like me sitting down with this magazine, and this portion of cake was in some way a cosmic bitch slap! Okay Universe, I get your point!

This morning I drove to the walking park along with our poor old dog Anna and with my i-pod ear buds firmly implanted in my skull, I drug poor Anna's ass over the nearly 3 mile track, heat, humidity and all. I'm like this the first day with anything... TOTALLY PUMPED! And if I'm not pumped tomorrow or the next day, or the next?... Well, too late, I already put it out to the Universe.

*4 years ago I kept a food diary and lost 30+ pounds. Writing down everything I ate really worked for me.

Chipmunk Cheeks & Brace Face

The boy is doing fabulously! Though his cheeks puffed up to enormous proportions 24 hrs. after the removal of his wisdom teeth, he's now pretty much back to normal. AND I'm happy to report, he has developed a thicker skin thanks to all the chipmunk jokes he had to endure. Unfortunately I never decided which he resembled more... Chip or Dale... Oh well!

On the braces front... Well, they're still there and I'm finally at a point where I don't wake up every morning with the first thought that enters my head sounding something like this:
"SHIT! I have braces!... What the HELL was I thinking?"

I also confronted my worst braces fear, when the 14 yr. old daughter (who also happens to have braces) of a friend of mine said, "YOU got braces?" with a squinched up face and a look like she'd just bitten into moldy cheese. Ironically, that same night I had a dream about my orthodontist being upset with me because I left a large antique cabinet in his waiting room. He wanted it removed because it was cluttering up the place.

Now, I know I'm really not an antique AND I'm also quite positive my orthodontist is thrilled with the extra five grand my mouth full of pain has allotted him, but apparently my subconscious likes to mess with me.

Words of Wisdom

Yesterday 'Computer Boy' had all four of his impacted wisdom teeth removed. Something I've been dreading since the day his hygienist pointed out to me on an x-ray back in November. Why should it bother ME so greatly that HE should need his wisdom teeth extracted? Because I feared the experience might be equally as horrific for him as it was for me. Let's just say that I'd happily go through the pain of child birth two, three even four more times before I'd EVER subject myself to the pain of wisdom tooth extraction. Being the good mom that I am though, I spoke not a word of my experience to my son, so as not to frighten him. However, just as we pulled up to the oral surgeons office yesterday my son turned to me and asked, "How was it for you when you had your wisdom teeth removed." I didn't want to lie to him so I simply said, "Well, at least we know from your history of anesthesia with the lung surgery that you don't get violently ill from it and all you need to know about my experience is I DO."

So we went into the office and waited.....
As we waited I could tell my son was doing his best to fight off nervousness but you know, it didn't help matters when a woman leaving the office stopped and looked at my son and with a mouth full of gauze mumbled, "DON'T DO IT!" and then laughed. Yeah, that REALLY helped.

Eventually we were asked to come back. I was taken to a room to watch a video detailing how to care for the patient who has had the wisdom teeth extracted and my son was off to get high on laughing gas and anesthesia. The procedure took longer than I thought, roughly 45 min. (when my daughter had her 4 first molars removed it only took about 15 min.) and I was asked to come back to the room where my son was all looped out in the dental chair. As the nurse began going over instructions for me my son reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a pen and began waving it around. I looked at him and said, "Hey bud, what're you doing with the pen?... You want me to take the pen?" He shook his head back and forth with a look of frustration. So I said, "Here bud, I'll take the pen for you." He again shook his head and began grunting in a Frankenstein fashion. Then he removed the cap from the pen and I said, "No bud, what are you doing, put the cap back on the pen." To which he shook his head and grunted again. Both the nurse and I stood there sort of laughing at how goofy he was acting and then got really concerned when my son started writing on his hand. I thought, oh man this kid is really gone! I was trying to explain that he should give me the pen when I realized that what he'd written was:

WANT PAPER

He was trying to communicate with us but with all that gauze in his mouth it was impossible. Once he realized he was too loopy to even form a question he gave up on writing anything more on his hands. I carefully led him out of the office and to the car and once he was seated I handed him the folder from the doctors office to write on. What was the first thing he wrote?

Zak's train of thought has left the station.

Gee, thanks bud... Like I couldn't have figured that one out. He wrote a few other notes which I tried to carefully decipher as I drove home. I realized after we were half-way home that he didn't even have his seat belt on, which meant even I wasn't thinking clearly.

After we got home and set up on the couch in the family room, in front of the t.v. I finally understood why he had set up his computer and monitor on the coffee table. Before I could even get water poured for him he had the screen up and was typing questions and requests from his keyboard. Gotta hand it to the kid, he was really thinking ahead, knowing it would be difficult to communicate.

So here we are the day after... It's after 11 am and he's still asleep and that kind of makes it seem like any other day except for the fact that I'm not the least bit agitated about it. He seems to have weathered this experience without any trouble and that makes me more relieved than I can say.

Departing Wisdom

Today my son had a consultation with an oral surgeon to schedule the removal of his wisdom teeth.

Despite the horrific memories I have etched deep in my brain, of my own nightmarish date with doom, I remained positive throughout the appointment and did my best not to share any horror stories. Details which I probably shouldn't go into here, because he might read this. I will however, share two words with you 'Dry Socket'

I've got to hand it to the kid. He doesn't seem too terribly worried about the whole thing... And now that I think about it, why should he be? After all, last year around this time he was in the hospital having his lung surgically scraped. Even after the percoset, he was still wincing in pain from the tube stuck in his rib cage, due to his persistent problems with the Spontaneous Pneumothorax.

So yeah, I guess getting four teeth pulled seems minimal when it comes to surgical procedures, but that didn't keep him from asking for the full offering of anesthesia options.

Let There Be Light

Today my daughter had 4 teeth pulled... Four Adult teeth pulled... Not wisdom teeth, first molars. Her orthodontist has been trying to straighten her teeth for a year now but there's just not enought room in her mouth to make that happen. It seems we, as a race continue to develop a mouth full of large teeth, while our pallets our shrinking... Who knows, maybe our entire heads our shrinking due to the effects of the dumbing down of modern day society... Case in point: T.V. shows like Paris Hilton's search for a new BFF or that WTF show 'Jackass'... Hey, it's Evolution folks!

Wait, did I just suggest that my daughter had to have teeth pulled because she's part of the dumbing down of society? No, that's not true, she's never watched an episode of Jackass or Paris's show. Oh, forget it, now I'm just rambling.

Anyway, between changing out blood and saliva soaked gauze pads, what I really wanted to talk about today is Christmas lights. I LOVE lights. Ever since I was a little girl and my dad would take me to Disneyland*, I would dream of the day I could cover my own trees in tiny white lights, especially lights that twinkle!

Last year I blogged about our pre-lit Christmas tree and how the lights upon it were giving up the ghost. We'd had the tree for 7 yrs. and it was a good run but what fun is a tree which has half the lights dead. Sure you can put other strands on top of the dead lights BUT dead lights on a tree aren't hard to miss and to me they seem to scream 'Pathetic Christmas Loser.'

So, a couple of weeks ago the family, excluding myself, sat around our tree for over 3 solid hours removing all of the lights. Now this may seem like it should be an easy task, but 3 HOURS folks! There were literally thousands of little clips on the tree, securing the lights in such a fashion that a tornado wouldn't be able to rip them off. Though fingers were nearly bloody stumps at the end of the process of denuding the tree, everyone was pleased that we'd saved ourselves at least a $150 for not having to purchase a new tree and did you know that non-pre-lit trees are almost impossible to find?

So, with our 7 yr. old tree now free of dead lights we went to the store and purchased my favorite lighting option, white twinkle lights. Now before I go on here, I'd like to share a memory. Growing up in the 70's I remember helping to decorate the family tree. It wasn't pre-lit, there was a box full of limbs, each limb had a color on it's wire tip which you inserted to a matching colored hole on the trunk, then you spread the branches uniformly. It was a tedious process.

Now the lights, the lights were, in a word, UGLY things. They were the size of door knobs and had every color of the rainbow... Red, Yellow, Blue, Green, Hot Pink (yes, hot pink!), Aqua, Orange, etc. But I'll tell you what, thos UGLY lights worked year after year after year. Sure maybe you had to replace a doorknob size bulb every once in a while, but I sure don't recall my parents rushing out to buy new sets of lights every year.

Which leads me to my lovely twinkle lights.... Half of them are dead! Yes, our Christmas tree is currently half-lit... And if another strand of lights goes, that's exactly what I'm going to do... Get myself half-lit... Because then my eyes will blur and the tree might appear brighter and even if it doesn't, I won't really care.

Oh, and don't EVEN get me started on the lights in the garland on the banister. Grrrrrrrr! Freakin' cheap-ass Christmas lighting.



*For those who might never have been to Disneyland, at night, the trees light up with thousands of white twinkle lights, making the atmosphere even more magical. Disneyland at night, with my dad, is a treasured memory.

Time Warp

Not to harp on this whole being sick thing but (oops! I'm harping) I've been spending my 'down time' watching crap loads of bad television. However I'd like to list the Discovery Channel an exception to the rule. 'Cause if I can be sick AND learn stuff without having to strain my brain reading... Well, that's a good thing.

Our new favorite show on Discovery is 'Time Warp'... It's WAY cool to watch the world slowed down and appreciate the beauty of it all. Which leads me to today's post. Last night I came upstairs from the basement (playing in my new studio) and found my daughter in the kitchen with a tray of water, food coloring, a straw and her camera... And this is what she was creating:

Most of the food coloring I had in the pantry is gone but no matter... 'Cause I think the results are pretty AWESOME!

Little Time for Blogging

I've at last taken the time to load pictures into my laptop in order to illustrate a few of the things that kept me so busy throughout the month of October... Laying around for the last few days holding my throbbing head in despair ultimately left me bored enough to blog about my accomplishments BEFORE I got sick... Because daytime t.v. really, REALLY SUCKS and if it weren't for the Discovery Channel, I'd have to say the same for night-time television.

Anyway, in early October I was busy planning hostessing a luncheon following the Memorial Service for my husbands Aunt Carol. She passed away in February but was being interred at Arlington National Cemetery. Aunt Carol was to be the second Aunt in my husbands family to be buried at Arlington. She served as a WAC in WWII and a drill Sergeant. Family came into town at my Mother-in-law's, from as far away as Washington state. There were cousins from Florida, Virginia, New Jersey and friends from Ohio paying respects to Aunt Carol and a life well lived. I volunteered for not only the role of planning the luncheon but was also tapped as photographer for the day. Here are some pics of the service at Arlington:

Amid the rush of 27 people waiting to be fed, I managed to get one pic of the buffet table which I had fretted over getting beautifully laid out to honor Aunt Carol, who always agreed with me that it was totally worth it to splurge on the more expensive paper napkins. While we were down in the D.C. area for an extended period and since there was family visiting from out of town, we of course, had to visit the District. My daughter got this beautiful shot of the capitol that day.

On top of the planning for the Memorial I've also been busy with another project. Our small town has an event known as 'The Festival of Trees'. Last year I was on the planning and decorating committee and because I'm a glutton for punishment or just really bad at saying No, I'm heading up the decorating committee for this years event. The way it works is, local businesses purchase and (sometimes) decorate a tree. This year the trees will be on display at different locations throughout Main St. for a 4 week period. During which time a silent auction takes place. In mid-December a large Christmas party will take place on Main St. with a visit from Santa, Carolers & Free Horse drawn buggy rides. At that time the trees will be awarded to the highest bidders at auction. I had the bright idea that this might be an opportunity to showcase my paper art skills and have volunteered to do a 'Paper Treehouse Christmas Tree'... I've been working on ornaments in my 'Free (ha! ha!) Time' and have completed roughly 25 so far. However, this is what my studio looked like in early October:

Since October is also the month of my birthday my husband put hours of time and labor into creating a studio space in which I could be more organized and have not only miles of table space to work with but also proper lighting. It's difficult to tell from the pictures above just how dark the cave is in which I normally work because I had to use the flash on my camera so you could actually SEE the space. That would explain the number of lamps on my desk top.

Anyway, following a few weeks of studio upheaval and a lot of time invested in some serious organization, I'd like to show you my NEW studio space:

18 Feet of Table Top

Loads of Storage underneath.

And also Above.

And just look at all that beautiful light... This pic was taken without flash.

My husband is a genius and I, I'm SO fortunate and spoiled to be married to a man with carpentry skills. Now I just wish I felt good enough to get up off this couch and create something in my new studio.

Waiting for my head to explode*

*Contrary to what you might think, this title has absolutely nothing to do with the election. I'm determined to keep this blog a 'No Politics Zone'

Both my daughter and I are suffering from the sinus infection from hell! I'm concerned that the next time I blow my nose my eardrums are going to give way and my mucous filled sinus cavity is going to shoot directly through the path of least resistance, spray a gooey mass across my family room and my last cognitive thought will be, "Dear god, what sweet relief!" This description has thoroughly grossed my daughter out, who is currently sitting next to me, sharing the same sickly despair but lacks my morbid imagination.

But enough about blocked-up sinuses.

Rather than make this post all about whining I'd like to share some photos my daughter and I took on Sunday at the nearby state park. I'm reluctant to admit my little girl has become a better photographer than me, so I'll just say she currently owns the better camera.

Welcome to Fall and all her Glory:

Sarah's photos: Really they're all due to her fantastic camera.

My favorite pic of the day... Wouldn't you know I didn't take it.


One gorgeous tree!

A beautiful fall trail at Lum's Pond State Park.

And here are my feeble attempts at fall photographs:

Silent summer sentinels


A reminder that Christmas isn't far away.


And in case the pine cone wasn't enough of a reminder.


Mirror of fall


Tall tales of the season

Another Day Later... Another Day Sicker...

Yesterday I woke with the tell-tale stuffy head, aching ears, sore throat and stiff neck I come down with every year at this time... It's the Sinus Infection illness that spirals downward into Bronchitis month! It's like freakin' Halloween, it shows up every year despite my wishes that it never existed (did I mention I hate Halloween, No?... well, that's a blog post for another day.)

So when you wake up with symptoms that the plague is ready to descend what do you do? Well, you call the doctor of course! So that's what I did and you know what? Even though I called at the stroke of 9:00am, I was offered an appointment for 2:45 TOMORROW!!! Say Wha? "You have nothing available TODAY... Can't you just call something in for me?" "No, you say?... The doctor HAS to see me?"

So here I am, a day later and a day sicker... The razor-blades scraping the base of my throat awakened me at 5:00am and I can't tell if it's menopause or fever that's got me breaking out in sweat.... Uh sorry, I mean a dewy perspiration, every 10 min. or so.

Can I just say how much I ADORE going to the doctors office to be robbed of my co-pay, plop down for a 20 min. waiting room sit, a weigh in, another sit in the exam room, a quick glance in my ears and a look down my throat, just so I can tell the doctor I've got the same creeping crud I get every year. She'll then write me a prescription, I'll drag myself to the pharmacy and have to wait another 24 hours for the drugs to take affect.

Now I certainly wouldn't want to deprive the doctor of looking in my ears, 'cause dammit, they're gorgeous, who wouldn't want to get a look at these precious semi-circle orbs of perfection. But c'mon, is it really necessary to make me wait an extra day to get an antibiotic started on beating out the evil cells of darkness waging war on my system?

It's my ears, she's just GOT to see my ears... I know it, they really are that AWESOME!

The Waiting Room

I was inspired to tell you this story by this post from 'Chatting at the sky'... Now I may no longer be in the 'keep your kid occupied while you wait for the pediatrician' stage of my life. But I do however know the discomfort and yes, embarrassment of having to wait seemingly long hours for a doctor to enter an exam room.

Case in point:
The last time I visited my ob/gyn I sat comfortably in the waiting room to be called. I waited roughly 15 min. trying to enjoy the magazine available with the article on 'How to stay fit during Pregnancy' (3 yrs. post-hysterectomy, it wasn't necessarily a HUGE topic of interest but it was that or '6 Solutions for Stretch Marks' and believe me, that ship has already sailed and let's just say, there were no solutions.

So the nurse calls me to the back and I get my blood pressure taken and go through the horror of stepping on the scale.... "Let me put down my purse, it weighs a TON!"... "Can I take my shoes off?".... "Yes, I know they're only sandals.".... "Um, this necklace, it's pretty heavy too, but if I'm going to take that off I might as well remove my earrings."..... "Can't you just weigh me AFTER I remove my clothes?".... "Oh that's right, the only scale is out here in the hall, well someone should fix that!".... "I know, I know, let's get on with it!"

When I at last enter the exam room the nurse instructs me to remove all my clothing, put on the paper gown, "OPEN IN THE FRONT!".... You know, the 'GOWN' that's as long as a vest and covers roughly one and a half boobs? Then I'm instructed to use a folded square of paper as a 'SHEET' to cover my lower extremities.... Nice! ..... When I tug it over one half of my body, the other half becomes exposed, the same goes for when I tug it over the other half of my body. Ultimately I decide to cover the half that is closest to the exam room door, so as not to immediately flash the doctor as she enters the room.... But that won't be for some time. So I began my wait on the paper covered exam table. Damn, lot of paper in this place!

Now I'd like to add that while I still have one ovary left (post-hysterectomy), that one ovary is beginning to shrivel like a prune, so menopause is fast becoming a reality. So put me in a stuffy little room and the results can quickly become sauna like. It wasn't long before I was dripping.... And I'm sure you're all well aware of what happens when perspiration and paper meet. Yes, by the time the physician at last walked into my very own 3rd level of hell, I had paper stuck ALL OVER me. If it had been brightly colored paper I might well have been confused for a Pinata. Fortunately my physician is a female so I think she understood as I half slid, half scooted to the end of the table. All the while peeling bits and pieces of paper from my legs and backside with nervous laughter.

The only thing missing from this picture is me covered in bits of paper.

To Better Health

This morning my daughter the Health Nazi... Uh, I mean Health Manager... Had us rising at 7:00 am for a 2 mile morning walk in the hot humid air. Okay, it turned out to be much more of a meander but it's our first day back from many long weeks of lazing in bed until all hours.

We did a LOT of walking yesterday in search of that outfit for the family wedding. We were both wearing sandals which do a poor job of supporting my feet and apparently hers also, as she was complaining of pain up the front of her leg (Shin splint... at her age?) So before we walked this morning I made sure she changed into walking shoes AND showed her how to stretch... C'mon, she's 15 and the idea of stretching never entered her vocabulary... Well guess what? achy shins, now it does! I shouldn't brag here but I can touch my toes, she can't... So Nyah!

Anyway, 2 miles... We take the dog and she's all happy, 'cause she loves a good walk. We get home, stretch... I mean, I stretch again and after we sit down and start petting the dog my daughter notices a big... BIG lump on her back... Something we've never noticed before and we pet her ALL the time! I feel the lump and an ominous thought immediately jumps into my head... Tumor? I don't want to worry my daughter but I don't want to make light of it either so I tell her we should make an appointment. Poor, Poor Anna... She's had a rough month, what with the anal gland problem, Fireworks going off at any given time, Thunderstorms (a 3 hour long doozy last night) and now this? The poor dog is just wrung out!

We got an appointment for the vet and he aspirated the lump. Now we're waiting for lab results and hoping everything is okay. The vet had to shave a little square out of Anna's lovely fur (not to mention shave a $445 hole in our bank account) for the procedure and every time I look at her I wince and try to dog whisper to her to let me know if she's feeling pain and also let me know if there's anything I can do. I'm not sure the 'Dog Whispering' thing is working but she's sure loving all the extra attention. Now I must go and apply a cold pack to my dogs back... Sure beats administering the warm compresses to her anal glands.

Not for the Squeamish... Including ME!

So, what's new you ask?

Well, I've pretty much been awake since around 2:00am.

Why, you say? Are you ill? Are the kids okay? What's wrong? You ask.

Well, two things actually... I love my dog and I'm trying to save the carpet.
Let me explain...

Yesterday afternoon my daughter pointed out an anomaly with our dogs er, um, butt... There, I said it... Butt, her BUTT! Nothing too terrible, just kind of swollen. I'd been meaning to contact a vet in our area who, I heard, does house calls and since our 'Anna' needs to have her shots updated I thought I'd give their office a call. I was instructed to leave a message which went something like this:

"Hi, my name is _____________, I'm the owner of a 9 yr. old psychotic lab who needs a check-up could you please return my call so we can set up an appointment."

When the gal called me back she was already laughing. While I had her on the phone I mentioned that not only did Anna need her shots but something seemed to going on with her uh, Butt. The receptionist asked me if she'd ever experienced problems with her 'anal glands'... "Uh, gee NO, we've had her since she was a puppy... Nope, never heard anyone mention her 'Anal Glands' before now." The receptionist told me the doctor would check it out when she came for the visit.

Fast forward to roughly 7:00pm last night... My daughter, who apparently spends more time than the rest of us checking out our dogs er, um, Butt... Points out the now bulbous dark red thing protruding out of poor Anna's backside. Are you wincing yet? Because I am still... In fact, my face has frozen into a perpetual wince... It's not pretty folks... None of this is! So I decide to search the web for more information and find this. (warning: click at your own risk. For you also may incur a perpetual wince.)

So last night I went to bed trying to put the image of poor Anna's butt out of my head so I could get some sleep.

Fast forward to 2:00am, when I hear a knock upon my bedroom door and my son says, "Mom, you better take a look at Anna, she's bleeding all over the place." Ahhhhhh CRAP! I shot out of bed and went straight to my sons room, where Anna likes to sleep at night. She indeed had blood on her backside, though the sack (thank heaven) hadn't ruptured. So my son and I laid an old blanket on the floor for her, but not before she sat her bloody but on the beige carpet. So, 2:00am janitorial services were required. Now here's the part about how much I love my dog. I grabbed my pillow from my room, made a pile of blankets next to Anna and lay down beside her and rubbed her head and her belly for the rest of the night... Well, until 6:30, that's when she decided she just couldn't handle not being in her favorite morning spot... Against the sliding glass door off the deck keeping a lookout for rogue squirrels.

I think I dozed a couple of times but mainly I spent that early morning hours trying my best to keep her from licking herself. If she's given a chance to keep worrying that thing it's going to burst and then we'll REALLY have a mess on our hands.... Ha, Ha, HA,! I said, WE... We'll really have a mess... Like anybody else around here would clean it up! HA, HA, HA!

So here I am, sitting, watch over my dog... Anytime she even moves her head I tell her "NO, don't lick!" She keeps giving me a look that says, "Would you just leave me the hell alone already!" The vet is scheduled to visit at 4:00pm but I don't know if I can wait that long, so I intend to call at a reasonable hour, is 9:00am too early? My dog has the canine equivalent of a HUGE, NASTY Hemorrhoid and I can't stop wincing!... HELP!

Note: That's a picture of Anna at the top of the page. I really couldn't bear the thought of taking a pic of her while she feels so miserable... I most certainly wouldn't want anyone taking one of my under similar circumstances.

UPDATE: We've been to the local VCA as recommended by the home visiting vet and Anna does indeed have an impacted anal gland. She now sports a trimly shaved bottom and has been administered antibiotics... Along with some pills which she'll receive wrapped in cheese (See Anna, every dark cloud DOES have a silver lining!) The real challenge now is trying to keep her in the kitchen on the tile floor and off the carpets throughout the rest of the house. If you know me and the layout of my house... Well, you can understand just how difficult this is going to be. btw: I'm becoming a regular Florence Nightingale as I have the delicate job of administering warm compresses to my dogs ass until the swelling goes down... Yay ME!

Baby Got a New Pair of Shoes...

My feet and ankles still aren't a 100% but I figured the best way to get them there was to stop wearing my old shoes which provide about the same amount of support as my sisters ex-husband (ie. butkus!)

Since my daughter had an appointment this morning, to visit Dr. Fabulous... Uh, I mean Dr. Perfect, the orthodontist/game show host, the two of us veered off to the nearby DSW before heading back to school.

I've probably blogged about this before but in case you missed it, I HATE buying athletic shoes! No matter how big they are when I try them on, once the cards been scanned, they're in the bag and I put them on for the first time to actually WEAR them, my feet always feel like they're being strangled. Even now as I sit here wearing them I can no longer feel my toes. It's like my feet are slowly being smothered by all that extra padding! My feet have spent the last many months lazing around in stretched out, tired old, cushion flattened sneakers. My toes like to spread out and breath, aaahhhhh! Currently they're screaming, "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US?"

So bare with me folks as I hobble-blog my way through life for a while... And hey, thanks Stacy for all the shoe advice. I plan to look for some of those arch supports you mentioned... And hey Stacy & Lime, while at DSW I tried on a couple of Birkenstock sandals... And let me just say that when your feet are as big as mine (9 1/2-10), Birkenstocks are SO not the way to go unless you're hoping for the title of runner-up in the 'I wanna look like Frankenstein' finals. I know, comfort over fashion, right? Sorry, but Yeti is just not my style. Thanks though!

It's Always Something...

Following the week that left me vowing I would NEVER eat 'Chicken-on-a-stick' EVER AGAIN! I made the commitment to climb back on that proverbial wagon known as 'Diet & Exercise'...

Watching what I eat is going very well, probably because my stomach shrank following its week long purge. Exercise... Not so much.

I started walking again and I don't know, maybe it's because I've been wearing sandals a lot lately or perhaps my 'Nike's' have lost all their support but my feet are killing me! When I try to walk it feels as though my ankles are just going to snap! I'm cursed with high arches so walking around barefoot or in shoes without support can result in a wicked 'Charlie-horse' across the top of my foot. The pain I'm currently experiencing however is a whole new affair. I made it a mile this morning and had to quit. I hobbled the rest of the way home and am now gingerly making my way around the house, clutching walls and considering one of these:



















I know I need to hit DSW for some new kicks but I'd better wait 'til I can heel-toe my way around, in order to make sure whatever I try on fits properly.

These are cool, but I know I'd better find something with far more support:



























The shoe, the stilettos and the Adidas sneakers you see in the gallery are all trompel’oeil paintings applied directly to the feet by a company named Temptu Paints. The New York City-based company specializes in airbrush make-up, temporary tattoos, body art and special effects makeup. The company, which does extensive work for Hollywood movies, TV shows, commercials, and the fashion industry, has a very impressive portfolio. The work you see in the gallery was commissioned by New York Magazine for a recent article.

But I Feel Fine...

There's a portion of road in the town I live in that travels right through the heart of what I like to refer to as 'Mayberry RFD'... The speed limit through this particular area is a painstaking crawl of 25 mph and it's strictly enforced. Along this stretch of road are some of the most beautiful Victorian Manor homes I've ever seen, which I guess alleviates some of the hassle of the slow drive.

Along the route to my home I pass a grand old Funeral Home, it's housed in the largest Victorian of them all. As I passed the home today, (crawling along behind a county truck who took the 25 mph speed limit presumably so much to heart, the driver decided not to top 20) I noticed 3 men standing in front of the funeral home in their standard issue dark suits affixed with name badges. They were quite obviously preparing for the next gathering of grieving family and friends. Side note here, I don't have much use for the funeral industry. Books I've read lead me to believe the majority prey on the emotions of their clients for profit. As for me, freeze dry my body, break it into pieces and use it to fertilize a tree or something... On second thought I've never been very good with plants, so just incinerate me and let the ashes fall where they may... I'll be dead, trust me, I won't care.

So back to the purpose of this post... As I'm crawling along in my car one of the funeral directors makes eye contact with me (YES, I was going THAT slow!)... It was the creepiest look EVER and it didn't help matters any that I was returning home from a doctor's appointment. I'd swear the only way to interpret the look this man, in his black suit and badge gave me was, "You're next!" or "See you soon!" or "I've got my eye on you!" or "Stop on in, I've got a sweet deal for you on the 'Meet Your Maker' package." The latter proposed in a very dour, ominous, prepare to meet your doom kind of way.... I wanted to shout out, "No REALLY, I feel FINE!"

Party & A Little Whine With Your Blog?

The party's over... My daughter's 15th birthday luau party that is. It was SO MUCH FUN... We all had a wonderful time and the 30 or so people invited (I sensed) felt the same.

For now though, the party seems to be taking place in my head and my chest... I'd swear there's 76 trombones marching directly across my cranium from my right temple to my left... Parade gawkers are dropping their trash directly into the base of my neck... Rubber band man is dangling off the back of my throat and there's this sumo wrestler stomping madly on my lungs, establishing his superiority I suppose... And lord knows what's got a hold of my lower back, but it's currently twisting it's talons into my left buttock, which in turn sends shooting waves of pain directly down my leg.

I paint a charming picture... don't I?

Wow, nothing more charming than a whiny blog post... Sorry folks, I got nothin!