Sunday, June 24, 2007

Holding back the Dam

I haven't posted much lately... Not because it's been boring, quite the opposite!

My life as of late has been filled with some highly emotionally charged events. Some of which have challenged me personally, by making me question my capabilities... And no, they don't have any connection to yoga (I haven't started classes yet, but you can bet I'll be posting complaints once I do.) What I HAVE been doing is working on a decorating project that's been met with some kinks along the way. I'm learning a lot of valuable lessons and I'm also learning to tune out the negative voices in my head that tell me on a regular basis, "You WILL fail." The thing that's kept me going is at this point there's no turning back! I've never been one to make promises and not follow through. So with each set back I'll admit there's a period of time I like to refer to as the 'Oh Shit factor'... Which is immediately followed with the 'See, I knew you couldn't do this' spell... Then I pull myself together and manage the situation until it's solved. I'm sure we all go through these experiences and it would be stupid of me to think I'm unique. It's just I've had to put up with more of the negative emotional crap in my youth than most people I know. For isntance, there may not be many out there who at 13, after being hurt by a boy said, "I wish I could die." And had their step-mother reply with, "Well go ahead, why don't you kill yourself then?" And then list several methods for doing so... Most of which involved ingesting cleaning supplies found under our kitchen sink.

I thought I had found my emotional stable ground until Thursday. That's when an event occurred which served to rock me to the core. When someone I barely know verbally blasted me and called my character into question. The situation was extremely tense and fortunately there were people around at the time to stand up for me and call the woman out on the accusations she made. My co-workers/friends were fantastic and told me not to let it get to me... That what she said simply wasn't true. But you know, with all of the fighting I've done in my head the last few weeks over considering whether I'm smart enough, bold enough or quite simply 'Good Enough' the words this woman spewed at me were enough to spring a leak in that dam I'd built up to block out all the negative voices in my head.

(As I write this I'm hoping I'm not coming off as some sort of schizophrenic. I mean these voices are simply ghosts. They're memories of hurtful things that were said to me when I was young. So in case anyone was worried it's not like I'm going to start writing letters to Jodi Foster.)

Anyway, so being in a tenuous place emotionally when this lady went off on me, seriously rocked me for a day or two. It takes a lot of affirmations to plug up even a small hole. My friends have been wonderfully supportive. My family, right there of course... And it didn't hurt to find out later that the person who attacked me is "Freaking Nuts!"

On Friday I used clay therapy to help purge my demons. I created a sculpture which I titled 'The bad stuff is always easier to believe.' It's my first time sculpting and I'm incredibly proud of the piece. The sculpture has gone so far in making me feel proud, strong, creative and capable again. That dam in my mind incurred a bit of damage and some of the negative was able to seep through. But right now it feels as though a masonry crew came through, in the form of friends, loved ones and my own creativity... And where the unstable dam once was a resilient wall now stands.

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