Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Roaches - WTF?

I work pretty hard at keeping a clean house... Really, I DO!

So explain to me WHY.... GOD oh WHY, do I keep running across roaches?

Now, it's not like I've found a nest of them or anything like that... Just One..... at...... a...... time. Maybe once a month or every two months and sometimes once every couple of weeks. Which is good, I suppose... or is it bad? I don't know! What I DO know is it's freakin' me the hell out! And maybe there little appearances are becoming more frequent but ANYTHING is TOO FREQUENT in my book.

For instance, about a month ago I opened a cabinet in the kitchen to see one scurry across a plate... A PLATE... A PLATE I EAT OFF OF!!!! Well, that did it... I had to empty the entire shelf of plates and run them ALL through the dishwasher. Have I EVER seen ANY roaches on or near the food in this house... NO! Is that a good thing?... Well, YES! But what exactly are they after? Their favorite spot appears to be the basement where there isn't any food BUT there is the water near the sump pump and since they're sometimes referred to as 'Water Bugs' does that mean all they want is WATER? Then why don't they just swim around in the sump pump... I won't have to see them... Hell, I won't even look in there... They can have their own Beach Party Bingo if they want, I won't care, really I won't! Unless they send one of their party-goers out for snacks.

So there I was yesterday going into the guest bedroom (in the basement) to locate a box. Lo and behold when I picked up the box a roach came scurrying out of it! So I did what any perfectly sane woman who's terrified of large bugs would do... I threw the box across the room, it landed on one of the beds and I watched with horror as it crawled on, near, under, the bedding (both beds still unmade from 2 weeks ago when son's friend stayed over.) Now a much braver woman would've stripped the beds right then and there... I on the other hand, am a giant bug fearing wuss and waited to inform 'Nature Girl' of the abomination when she got home. Did she take care of it? Well OBVIOUSLY NO! Because today I went back into the guest bedroom to acquire some packing material for yesterday's said box. I cautiously entered the room, calling out to any unsuspecting roaches... "If you're in here, please go away, please don't jump out and scare me, please let me get what I need in peace.... Puhhhlleeeeaaaasssee!" The bravest part of that whole exchange was I was barefoot. So if I WERE to run into a roach, I was seriously up shit's creek without a paddle (if you know what I mean.) Fortunately, all was clear and I got what I needed... HOWEVER, when I went back toward the bedroom, there upon the wall, above my reach, was a roach SO BIG he might as well have been smoking a cigar and wearing a hat. I knew I couldn't just leave him there because if I were to turn my back on that guy, he'd surely sneak up behind me and eat my face off before I could utter a scream.

So I ran to the other side of the basement and began to form a plan. Okay, I thought, how 'bout if I trap him in this lidded container? No, that won't work, he's too high, I can't reach that far and what if he jumps at me?... Even worse, what if he jumps ON ME? *skin crawling, shaking nervously* Think! Think! Think!....... OOoooo, I know, the vaccuum! So I ran upstairs and grabbed the behemouth and her ugly step-sister (canister vac and wand) and made my way down to the basement. Fortunately or not... he was still there... So I carefully plugged in the vacuum. Extended the wand as FAAaaaarrrrrr as it could go, flipped the switch and stuck the nozzle over the offending visitor. While I'd like to say he went quickly into that dark tube, it didn't quite happen as swiftly as I'd hoped... He put up a fight, lost a couple of legs... And at last was gone. I waited for the sound of his body being munched into little tiny pieces but never heard what I was hoping for. Then I feared he might just be clinging to the inside of the tube and waiting to crawl back out and attack me. So I quickly put the wand back into the motorized brush and began to run over every large piece of carpet debris I could find... Because I figured if he WAS clinging to the inside of that tube, I was gonna knock his ass into that canister. I thought, if he's not dead yet, he could damn well suffocate in that bag of hair and dirt and dust. I think I ran over a paper-clip, a button, paper scraps, a screw and all manner of crap. Then I turned off the vacuum and left it right there in the middle of the floor for 'Nature Girl' to put away when she gets home...

Because SHE shoul've taken care of that nasty bastard last night!

UPDATE: 'Nature Girl' doesn't think the roach died after being sucked up in the vacuum. She says a roach can live through a holocaust, so it could very well survive in a vacuum bag. Unless I crush it with a shoe, she says it will live on. Now SHE won't touch the vacuum and I won't touch the vacuum and NOW I'm having horrifying visions, regarding a giant cockroach covered in debris, waking me in the middle of the night, with a vacuum nozzle pointed at my head.

So what do you think... Did or could the roach survive?



Blogger Christy said...

Bleck! We have ants, so I don't know what to tell you (except you're probably cleaner than I am I assure you.) Kill those bastards!

BTW--I loved your email & I'm going to sit down & write back as soon as I can--this is a tough week. :)

1:19 PM, June 03, 2009  
Blogger Chris said...

That is one thing I CERTAINLY don't miss from Florida. We don't have those big roaches here. I haven't seen one in our house in 9 years! In Florida, it was once every other month or so, even if you cleaned and sprayed.

3:37 PM, June 03, 2009  
Blogger mike said...

I am scared to death of centipedes. But other than that, bugs don't bother me, even roaches. Although I don't have roaches (that I know of) so it's hard to say. I would just squish him, and hope that he's not just the baby roach- and then the 10 inch long mother roach comes out to kick your ass.

6:56 PM, June 03, 2009  
Blogger EmBee said...

We had ants too... but like the roaches, just one at a time and never near food... It's like their nomadic ants just wandering around, I set out a few ant traps and that seemed to do the trick. I should add, I have absolutely NO problem crushing a tiny ant... A roach the size of my couch, now that's a whole other problem! I understand about the crazy week... I look forward to hearing from you when you get the chance.

Hiya Chris,
Yes, I remember how much 'water bugs or palmetto bugs' (dontcha' love those names, sounds so much more palatable than cockroach!)love that south, especially the beach. We used to vacation at Ocean Isle, N.C. and one of the cousins rented a house that was absolutely rife with roaches....ughghghnggh! Sorry, I get all skeeved out just thinking about it. *scratching arms and legs* Is something crawling on me, 'cause I think I feel something crawling on me?

Centipedes? Like those big thick brown things or the furry kind, 'cause my mother-in-law has the furry kind in her basement and GAH! the night I woke up with one on the ceiling above my bed I thought I was gonna have a conniption.

Squish him Mike? Are you freakin' serious? Against the wall? No, really are you kidding? 'Cause this guy was SO BIG I'd need a hazmat team to come out and remove the remains and OH THE CRUNCH!!!
*now sitting with bare feet off the floor and firmly planted on the seat of my desk chair*

7:21 PM, June 03, 2009  
Anonymous LindaHH said...

Living in the "roach capital" of the free world, Florida, I have to tell you that those nasty little buggers can live through a lot. My solution is to put moth balls in my vacuum cleaner bags, or in the absence of bags, in the dirt container thingy (technical term). I put three or four in whenever I change the bag and they are supposed to kill spiders, fleas, roaches, ants, etc. It seems to work as I have never seen any thing climb out alive from the vacuum. The other option is to hit them with a shoe, while yelling loudly to cover up the sound of the crunch. And MS EmBee, I have to thank you for the hairy millapede over the bed story, no more restful sleep after that one. Next time I am moving upstairs with you!

10:52 PM, June 03, 2009  
Blogger EmBee said...

Buying moth balls TODAY! I hope that bugger's still in there... DEAD! But I'll do what I can to insure that's true.

The crunch thing? Sorry screaming can't cover up the 'feeling' of crushing something THAT BIG!

You can sleep upstairs with me - No Problem! But I'm always worries as to what's going to come crawling out of that dormer closet next to my head.

6:59 AM, June 04, 2009  
Blogger lime said...

i hate to tell you but given my experience living 11 degrees above the equator, yay, that sucker may have lived.

7:05 AM, June 05, 2009  

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