Adventures in Orthodontia

Nearly 17 months ago I made the decision to get my teeth straightened.

Yes, that means I'm a woman in her mid-forties who appears to be either going through puberty or desperately trying to cling onto any form of youth she can grasp. And you know, it wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't waited to go through with this until now. I mean, for whatever reason, I seem to be in one of the most high profile positions I've ever been in. Not that this means I have any form of power mind you, it just means I'm meeting people all over the region (with braces... myself, not the people I'm meeting), been featured in my local newspaper a few times (with braces) AND took part in a television interview for a Baltimore morning news show (with braces!) Whew! It's a good thing I don't spend a lot of time or money focusing on my looks... Oh wait, I have braces.

Anywho, there was a point in this orthodontic process which thrilled me to no end. I'd always had a gap in my two front teeth and when that gap closed and I could run my tongue along the inside, of my smooth, even teeth of my upper palette... Well, it all seemed worth it.
However, in May my 'pal' the orthodontist put a new wire in with big ugly posts attached and then added this thing they call a 'Chain'
Well, the orthodontist calls it a 'Chain'... I call it a 'Cargo Net' because believe me, there is nothing more effective for catching every size food particle imaginable and trapping it in such a way that even a sandblaster couldn't remove it, let alone a toothbrush.

Anyway, I can take the new goal posts framing either side of my top teeth and I can take the cargo net... The pain involved with these new apparatus only lasts a day or two. BUT! What I couldn't fathom was the fact that once these items were applied, my once uniform teeth, the ones that got all straight... the ones I could run my tongue behind and feel smoothness... STARTED TO SHIFT!!!
"Wait just a gosh darn minute Dr. Ortho!" I said after I made an emergency appointment to point out my teeth were getting crooked again. "Oh don't worry about it." he said, with the nonchalance of someone who obviously wasn't toting around Grandpa's tool box worth of metal in his mouth... "It happens and then we just install a corrective wire later."

"A corrective wire later?" Oh okay then, yeah sure... Whatever!
So now, one of my two front teeth has shifted to the point that I'm starting to resemble 'Nanny Mcphee'
and I'm supposed to remain happy with my decision to go through with this whole blasted braces thing. BUT, I'm not allowed to complain to my family about it because pay back is hell when you don't show enough sympathy for your kids during their years of orthodontic bliss.

BUT NOW!!! Now it's WAR!!! Because last week, at my regular appointment, I pointed out my obvious disgust with the 'Goal Posts'... the 'Cargo Net'... And what appears to be my future as Emma Thompson's stunt double. And guess what my orthodontist did to appease me? He said, "Today you get a present!"... "A present!!!" I said, with all the excitement of a kid on Christmas morning. "Yes, a present!" he said. Shortly thereafter his assistant came over with 2 packages of teeny-tiny rubber bands. And now I'm rockin' this whole look. After I finished making my next appointment at the front desk I wandered to the back and informed my orthodontist that the next time he had a 'Present' for me, I'd really like it in the form of a gift card.

While Pumping Gas.... Really?

We all know when we see those little clusters of people, wearing their Sunday best, trolling through our neighborhoods, it's time to run in the house, close the blinds and pretend we're not home when the doorbell inevitably rings...

But today, while I was filling my gas tank, AT THE GAS STATION, a woman at the next pump approached me and in a bright voice said, "Good Morning"... I thought to myself, "How nice, rarely do people in the midst of pumping gas take time to greet one another." So I in turn, offered my own friendly greeting. And right after I did she pulled out a 'Watchtower' flier and said, "Here, I think you'll really enjoy reading this, it has a WONDERFUL article on Family... It's really a WONDERFUL article!"

Not wishing to be rude, because seriously, it's not like I could ditch inside my van and pretend like she didn't see me (however, thinking back on it that would've been a pretty hilarious move), I accepted the flier and said, "Uh, Um, Okay, Uh, thanks." When what I really wanted to say was, "Oh, I see... Get me when there's nowhere to hide."

Beware folks, the Jehovah's Witnesses have gone NINJA!

Are YOU prepared for the final days?

Scale FAIL

Although I'm determined to NOT turn this blog into a site chronicling my struggle with weight loss, I HAVE to take a moment to whine and whine LOUDLY!

The day I decided to 'Slim Down' if you will, I went directly to Kohl's to purchase a new bathroom scale. I wanted just a standard old fashioned scale as the one I was replacing was digital and worked for about oh, 2 minutes. You see, it sat directly below the towel bar and when I inadvertently hung my bathing suit to dry directly over the scale, the resulting water accumulation landed directly on the scale and apparently fried it's circuits.

Anywho, seems your standard bathroom scales aren't as available as they once were and all they had at Kohl's were various brands of the digital variety. Sure, I could've ordered a scale online but that would mean waiting to verify a starting weight. You see, I need to be able to chart progress. Oh sure, I could just wait to feel my clothes becoming looser or perhaps hang in there until someone throws a compliment my way... But I'm an instant gratification kind of gal. Which of course, is obvious, or I wouldn't be in this diet predicament to begin with. So, I purchase this scale by 'HealthoMeter'
bring it home, immediately weigh myself and offer up a prayer of thanks that at least I'm not at the heaviest I've ever been BUT there's still a world of improvement to be made.

I continue weighing myself morning and night for an entire week, noting my progress and am thrilled to see I've reached a 6 lb. loss after 9 days. 9 DAYS!!! 6 LBS!!! This is FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC!!! At this rate, by this time next year, I could be super model material (hey, I can dream can't I?) All right, I can be at the very least, no longer shopping in the plus size section.

Have I mentioned how much I HATE the plus size section? They always put it right next to the petite section, in EVERY SINGLE STORE!!! This means that if you're a plus size gal and you see something cute on that rack a few feet to your right, when you pick it up and look at the tag you realize you've stepped into petite world and feel as though every eye is upon you saying, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?" "IT WOULD TAKE MORE THAN A SHOE HORN TO GET YOU INTO ANY OF THESE OUTFITS!" "GET BACK ON YOUR OWN SIDE, LARGE WOMAN!"

So back to my 'Home-Medic' brand scale story. On Friday I walked, and all was well with the world. I'd lost 6 lbs. and I was feelin' like a goddess, or at least 6 lbs. thinner... Until that night!

My daughter had taken a shower and came downstairs and said, "I don't know about that new scale of yours, I stepped on it once and it gave me one reading and then I stepped on it again and it gave me another." I said, "Perhaps you had it sitting on the tile catawhompas?" She said, "What the heck is catawhompas? But yes, I made sure I had it leveled on the tile floor." So later, I went to check the damn thing out for myself and sure enough, I stepped on it once and it gave me one weight (you didn't honestly think I was going to share that weight HERE did you?) and then I stepped on it again and it gave me another weight 2 lbs. and 4 oz. HIGHER!!! What the Hell? So I spent the next 10 minutes shuffling that damn scale all over the bathroom floor, weighing and re-weighing myself. I'd get the same reading 4-5-6 times in a row and then, sitting in the same exact spot, it would shift again and give me a different reading, sometimes less, sometimes more.

........And then I wanted to go eat a large bowl of ice cream. Hello 'HealthoMeter'?... You FAIL!

I can't even explain what that damn scale has done for my psyche these last couple of days. I feel like that guy who lost to Michael Phelps by 1/100th of a second. You know, thinking you've won it big but then.... Okay, I know that's a completely unfair comparison but you get the gist.

So after weighing myself repeatedly on Saturday and getting readings that fluctuated between 3 and 5 lbs... I decided yesterday to NEVER step foot on that damn scale AGAIN! There's $40 down the drain.

HOWEVER, I walked again today and my mood is brighter again. I'll let you know when the clothes start getting loose or someone says, "Wow you look great! Did you lose weight?" Til then, I'll try to stop blogging about weight loss.

Here's My Kick-Ass Shuffle Tune of the Day:
This song might be a little heavy for some of you but I'm dedicating this one to Chris... It's a song he might be able to admit listening to and not catch any crap from his boys. I have to admit, this is a tune you gotta double time to or else it's too slow, but when I hear, "Now get in the pit and try to love someone" it just makes me feel like hugging a stranger... Which I would never do because the folks at the walking park are already keen on keeping their distance from that crazy woman madly stomping her way around the path.

24

Saturday, June 6, 11:17am: Daughter finds large roach on the curtains of the basement sliding glass door.

Saturday, June 6, 11:18am: Daughter sends large roach off to meet his maker and disposes of remains via mock burial at sea, ie. down the commode.

Saturday, June 6, 11:19am: Daughter tells mother about roach removal and mother wonders if this might be the very roach from Wednesday's vacuum fiasco.

Saturday, June 6, 11:47am: Mother and daughter enter basement to find not one, but TWO smaller roaches climbing the back wall of the basement.

Saturday 11:47:36am: Daughter acquires wad of tissue from the bathroom whilst Mother tries not to slip into hysteria. Daughter kills first roach with a right cuff to the thorax However, while swiping the second roach she miscalculates and second roach takes flight. Mother tries not to scream.

Saturday, June 6, 11:48am: Mother sees second roach on the carpet, a yard away from her feet... Because Mother is wearing shoes (this time) she screams as she gathers up the nerve to crush the second roach. Mother jumps upon the roach who is no match for her superior size and weight.

Saturday, June 6, 11:48:26am: Daughter lets out a cheer to encourage her Mother for her bravery at besting the second roach. Daughter dispenses of both roach corpses with another burial at sea.

Saturday, June 6, 11:56am: Mother and Daughter share bonding time together deciding where to place each of the dozen roach motels the Mother purchased the day before.

Saturday, June 6: All is well, no more roaches are spotted.

Sunday, June 7, 5:42am: Mother and Father are rudely awakened by that effing woodpecker banging on the rain gutter outside their bedroom window..... Again.

Anybody want to buy a house?

Now What?

The consensus is the roach is still alive... In my vacuum... Which remains sitting idly in the same place I left it two days ago.

I'm putting this question out there to the universe.... Now What?

Until you people can come up with an answer OR just come to my house and take care of the problem FOR me... Here are a few topical funnies I found... Because you know, it's always good to try to find the humor in a horrific situation.




This last one is my personal favorite:

Roaches - WTF?

I work pretty hard at keeping a clean house... Really, I DO!

So explain to me WHY.... GOD oh WHY, do I keep running across roaches?

Now, it's not like I've found a nest of them or anything like that... Just One..... at...... a...... time. Maybe once a month or every two months and sometimes once every couple of weeks. Which is good, I suppose... or is it bad? I don't know! What I DO know is it's freakin' me the hell out! And maybe there little appearances are becoming more frequent but ANYTHING is TOO FREQUENT in my book.

For instance, about a month ago I opened a cabinet in the kitchen to see one scurry across a plate... A PLATE... A PLATE I EAT OFF OF!!!! Well, that did it... I had to empty the entire shelf of plates and run them ALL through the dishwasher. Have I EVER seen ANY roaches on or near the food in this house... NO! Is that a good thing?... Well, YES! But what exactly are they after? Their favorite spot appears to be the basement where there isn't any food BUT there is the water near the sump pump and since they're sometimes referred to as 'Water Bugs' does that mean all they want is WATER? Then why don't they just swim around in the sump pump... I won't have to see them... Hell, I won't even look in there... They can have their own Beach Party Bingo if they want, I won't care, really I won't! Unless they send one of their party-goers out for snacks.

So there I was yesterday going into the guest bedroom (in the basement) to locate a box. Lo and behold when I picked up the box a roach came scurrying out of it! So I did what any perfectly sane woman who's terrified of large bugs would do... I threw the box across the room, it landed on one of the beds and I watched with horror as it crawled on, near, under, the bedding (both beds still unmade from 2 weeks ago when son's friend stayed over.) Now a much braver woman would've stripped the beds right then and there... I on the other hand, am a giant bug fearing wuss and waited to inform 'Nature Girl' of the abomination when she got home. Did she take care of it? Well OBVIOUSLY NO! Because today I went back into the guest bedroom to acquire some packing material for yesterday's said box. I cautiously entered the room, calling out to any unsuspecting roaches... "If you're in here, please go away, please don't jump out and scare me, please let me get what I need in peace.... Puhhhlleeeeaaaasssee!" The bravest part of that whole exchange was I was barefoot. So if I WERE to run into a roach, I was seriously up shit's creek without a paddle (if you know what I mean.) Fortunately, all was clear and I got what I needed... HOWEVER, when I went back toward the bedroom, there upon the wall, above my reach, was a roach SO BIG he might as well have been smoking a cigar and wearing a hat. I knew I couldn't just leave him there because if I were to turn my back on that guy, he'd surely sneak up behind me and eat my face off before I could utter a scream.

So I ran to the other side of the basement and began to form a plan. Okay, I thought, how 'bout if I trap him in this lidded container? No, that won't work, he's too high, I can't reach that far and what if he jumps at me?... Even worse, what if he jumps ON ME? *skin crawling, shaking nervously* Think! Think! Think!....... OOoooo, I know, the vaccuum! So I ran upstairs and grabbed the behemouth and her ugly step-sister (canister vac and wand) and made my way down to the basement. Fortunately or not... he was still there... So I carefully plugged in the vacuum. Extended the wand as FAAaaaarrrrrr as it could go, flipped the switch and stuck the nozzle over the offending visitor. While I'd like to say he went quickly into that dark tube, it didn't quite happen as swiftly as I'd hoped... He put up a fight, lost a couple of legs... And at last was gone. I waited for the sound of his body being munched into little tiny pieces but never heard what I was hoping for. Then I feared he might just be clinging to the inside of the tube and waiting to crawl back out and attack me. So I quickly put the wand back into the motorized brush and began to run over every large piece of carpet debris I could find... Because I figured if he WAS clinging to the inside of that tube, I was gonna knock his ass into that canister. I thought, if he's not dead yet, he could damn well suffocate in that bag of hair and dirt and dust. I think I ran over a paper-clip, a button, paper scraps, a screw and all manner of crap. Then I turned off the vacuum and left it right there in the middle of the floor for 'Nature Girl' to put away when she gets home...

Because SHE shoul've taken care of that nasty bastard last night!

UPDATE: 'Nature Girl' doesn't think the roach died after being sucked up in the vacuum. She says a roach can live through a holocaust, so it could very well survive in a vacuum bag. Unless I crush it with a shoe, she says it will live on. Now SHE won't touch the vacuum and I won't touch the vacuum and NOW I'm having horrifying visions, regarding a giant cockroach covered in debris, waking me in the middle of the night, with a vacuum nozzle pointed at my head.

So what do you think... Did or could the roach survive?