Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Those annoying Rat Bastards with bushy tails

We're bird people... BIRD people I tell you!

We're definitely NOT squirrel people!

However, the squirrels are pretty thick headed and haven't managed to figure that out yet.

Our dog Anna has made that clear by chasing them off the deck.

We've made it clear by building squirrel tossing contraptions, only to have them wait in line for the E-ticket experience thrill ride.
We've shot them with water pistols, which I think they quite enjoy.
And now?
Now I've taken to throwing rocks at them. Oh CALM DOWN! Not rocks really, more like pebbles... And believe me, this really is a fairly benign squirrel deterrent, mostly because I've got the throwing arm of a 2 yr. old. (Yes, there's a reason I was always picked last for team sports, in gym class.)

Yesterday however, I ACTUALLY pelted one of the bastards. Well, pelted might be too strong a word. I hit him.... in the leg.... with a stone.... and he merely looked at me, with those little rat bastard beady eyes, as if to say, "Really?" and just stood there.

Today, they're double teaming the feeder... And just to cement the fact I've fallen into the deep side of crazy, I've begun talking to the little shits. Our exchange this morning went something like this:

Squirrel on feeder: "Hey beyotch, look at me, I'm eatin' all yur seeds!"

*Okay, the squirrel isn't really talking to me... I haven't gone that far 'round the bend, BUT if he could talk, that's what he'd be saying... I'm quite sure of it.

Me: *giving him the evil eye* "Oh no you don't, you rat bastard!"

Squirrel: "Whatcha gonna do 'bout it bitch?"

*I run to grab more pebbles out of the planter that contains the dusty fake plant in the corner of the family room... Opening screen door with all the dexterity of a highly trained ninja... Um, I mean a spastic clown... I stumble out onto the deck... Squirrel fakes right and with the nimbleness only a squirrel can possess, jumps off the deck onto the stairs and sits on the bottom step below, while his tag-team, rat bastard, friend bounds from under the deck below.*

Me: "Now I've got ya, right where I want ya!"

*I begin lobbing stones in the squirrels general direction... Sure, I mean to pummel them, but my uncooperative throwing arm makes this task nearly impossible.*

As I 'try' to hit my mark the squirrel, sitting comfortably on the bottom step looks up at me as if to say: "Yo bitch, you're not really serious are you?... 'Cause even if I ate ALL your seeds and my ass grew to the size of the backside of a barn, you still couldn't hit it!"

You know, I don't want to kill 'em or anything. I just want them to leave my bird feeders alone... But it's 'Game On' now you rat bastards, 'cause I will NOT be mocked by a squirrel.

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Blogger lime said...

get a BB gun ;)

12:43 PM, June 17, 2009  
Blogger EmBee said...

And can I trust you Lime to come over and dispose of the bodies? Nay, I mean replace the neighbors windows?

1:53 PM, June 17, 2009  
Anonymous Jon said...

They're not actually eating bird seed, that's just their cover; they might as well be watching you from an unmarked van across the street. Clearly these squirrels are up to something.

I'm just saying, if you come home one day and your house has been robbed, you'll know who to blame.

3:19 PM, June 17, 2009  
Blogger EmBee said...

Thanks for the tip Jon, good thing my house is tricked out with the ultimate in security equipment... We're talkin' lasers dude... Big Friggin' Lasers!!!

5:37 PM, June 17, 2009  
Blogger Christy said...

I like squirrels as long as they're OUTSIDE. I saw one run up the side of the ceiling in the storage over our garage (it's a barn-ish type thing) and it disappeared to the attic over the kitchen... I DON'T WANT TO KNOW...


8:11 AM, June 19, 2009  
Blogger EmBee said...

I don't know Christy, Squirrels above your kitchen might result in squirrel feces powdering your morning corn flakes. If I were you, I'd get it checked out.

Sorry to be the voice of doom, I've just watched that exterminator show on the Discovery Channel one too many times.

3:22 PM, June 20, 2009  
Blogger Chris said...

You have no chance. Squirrels are like the agents in The Matrix. I was in a group bicycle ride in Jacksonville, FL and as we were warming up (only going about 15 mph) down the road, we saw one run into our group, INTO the front wheel of a fellow rider. The squirrel did one full rotation of the wheel and then shot out of the other side unharmed, running on.

We were all dumbfounded. There was a lot of "Did you just see that????"

5:40 PM, June 21, 2009  
Blogger misticblu said...

OMG i might be here reading all day........I have squirrels in the attic (house not head) and this past weekend i reasoned that i could hit one of the bastards with one of those 'snap pop' thingies that my son had in celebration of the 4th.
They (he kids and who knows, may be the squirrels)got the biggest kick out of me chasing the tree rat around the roof line. It was about as affective as the BB gun, only exhibiting a slight hitch in his git-a-long as he heard the noise and I, of course, never made contact.

5:47 AM, July 07, 2009  
Blogger EmBee said...

Chris, thanks for dashing all my hopes of a squirrel free lifestyle.

Mistic, Very clever use of the 'snap pops'... Wish I'd thought of it. I have to admit though, my aim would be just as poor. Better luck next time and I hope you'll blog about it if you make contact.

5:20 PM, July 07, 2009  
Anonymous Betty said...

I, too, have a problem with the rat bastards that taunt my dog.

6:47 PM, January 04, 2010  

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