Adventures in Orthodontia

Nearly 17 months ago I made the decision to get my teeth straightened.

Yes, that means I'm a woman in her mid-forties who appears to be either going through puberty or desperately trying to cling onto any form of youth she can grasp. And you know, it wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't waited to go through with this until now. I mean, for whatever reason, I seem to be in one of the most high profile positions I've ever been in. Not that this means I have any form of power mind you, it just means I'm meeting people all over the region (with braces... myself, not the people I'm meeting), been featured in my local newspaper a few times (with braces) AND took part in a television interview for a Baltimore morning news show (with braces!) Whew! It's a good thing I don't spend a lot of time or money focusing on my looks... Oh wait, I have braces.

Anywho, there was a point in this orthodontic process which thrilled me to no end. I'd always had a gap in my two front teeth and when that gap closed and I could run my tongue along the inside, of my smooth, even teeth of my upper palette... Well, it all seemed worth it.
However, in May my 'pal' the orthodontist put a new wire in with big ugly posts attached and then added this thing they call a 'Chain'
Well, the orthodontist calls it a 'Chain'... I call it a 'Cargo Net' because believe me, there is nothing more effective for catching every size food particle imaginable and trapping it in such a way that even a sandblaster couldn't remove it, let alone a toothbrush.

Anyway, I can take the new goal posts framing either side of my top teeth and I can take the cargo net... The pain involved with these new apparatus only lasts a day or two. BUT! What I couldn't fathom was the fact that once these items were applied, my once uniform teeth, the ones that got all straight... the ones I could run my tongue behind and feel smoothness... STARTED TO SHIFT!!!
"Wait just a gosh darn minute Dr. Ortho!" I said after I made an emergency appointment to point out my teeth were getting crooked again. "Oh don't worry about it." he said, with the nonchalance of someone who obviously wasn't toting around Grandpa's tool box worth of metal in his mouth... "It happens and then we just install a corrective wire later."

"A corrective wire later?" Oh okay then, yeah sure... Whatever!
So now, one of my two front teeth has shifted to the point that I'm starting to resemble 'Nanny Mcphee'
and I'm supposed to remain happy with my decision to go through with this whole blasted braces thing. BUT, I'm not allowed to complain to my family about it because pay back is hell when you don't show enough sympathy for your kids during their years of orthodontic bliss.

BUT NOW!!! Now it's WAR!!! Because last week, at my regular appointment, I pointed out my obvious disgust with the 'Goal Posts'... the 'Cargo Net'... And what appears to be my future as Emma Thompson's stunt double. And guess what my orthodontist did to appease me? He said, "Today you get a present!"... "A present!!!" I said, with all the excitement of a kid on Christmas morning. "Yes, a present!" he said. Shortly thereafter his assistant came over with 2 packages of teeny-tiny rubber bands. And now I'm rockin' this whole look. After I finished making my next appointment at the front desk I wandered to the back and informed my orthodontist that the next time he had a 'Present' for me, I'd really like it in the form of a gift card.