Smells Like BBQ!

Big day today folks!

I got my braces off... But like most things in my life, it's rather anti-climatic. You see, I imagine things in my head to be so much more wonderful then they actually turn out to be... Bummer right?

So yeah, the whole removing of the braces was rather uncomfortable... It's kind of like having each tooth put in a vice in order to pry off the tiny adhered bracket... The technician clamps it, then pulls And then SNAP! Your tooth vibrates for a while with the force. After the removal of the brackets a Dremmel like object is used to sand off the excess bracket glue. I've never had the pleasure of a root canal but at times, it kinda feels like their sanding the root of your tooth off... Hmmm, fun!

Oh, and somewhere in the midst of the removal, a permanent wire was placed behind my bottom teeth... An interesting fete of engineering which involved floss to hold it in place and an extra pair of hands. And now I feel like I've got this big bulky sand papery thing in the bottom of my mouth that my tongue just can't seem to leave alone. *damn tongue*

So I saw my teeth briefly before 'IT' happened...

You see, I have (not very surprisingly) THICK GUMS!!! And why not, I mean everything else about me is THICK! So my orthodontist recommended I have some of my gum tissue removed, for cosmetic purposes. And because I AM that vane, I said, "Go for it!" Because I mean, why go through a year and a half of orthodontia only to have people notice your gums instead of your teeth?

So after my braces came off I had 'Laser Gum Surgery'... This procedure involves having your gums painted with a numbing gel and then having them shaved back with a laser. It's like Star Wars meets......... Well, if I could think of a famous dentist I would... But I can't. Anywho, while the laser is burning away the gum tissue, there's a smell that begins to fill your nostrils and I can only describe it as BBQ... But it's BBQ without the seasonings and sauce and the funkiest kind of meat you can imagine. Trouble is, now (3 hours later) I just can't seem to get that smell out of my sinuses and no matter what I eat or how many times I brush my teeth, my mouth still tastes like death.*

As for appearance... I won't even show my husband what my newly unclad orthodontia looks like because my gums are so hideously grotesque! Imagine if you will, allowing your dental hygienist clean your teeth with a X-acto knife instead of that metal pick she normally uses. The doctor says it should clear up in a few days, so until then, I'm the sullen looking gal over there in the corner.

*I tell you all these things dear Internet, because I couldn't find ANY description of the procedure ANYWHERE when I went looking for it. So if YOU happened upon this blog because you were searching 'Laser Gum Surgery' for more information... There you go and You're Welcome!

Adventures in Orthodontia

Nearly 17 months ago I made the decision to get my teeth straightened.

Yes, that means I'm a woman in her mid-forties who appears to be either going through puberty or desperately trying to cling onto any form of youth she can grasp. And you know, it wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't waited to go through with this until now. I mean, for whatever reason, I seem to be in one of the most high profile positions I've ever been in. Not that this means I have any form of power mind you, it just means I'm meeting people all over the region (with braces... myself, not the people I'm meeting), been featured in my local newspaper a few times (with braces) AND took part in a television interview for a Baltimore morning news show (with braces!) Whew! It's a good thing I don't spend a lot of time or money focusing on my looks... Oh wait, I have braces.

Anywho, there was a point in this orthodontic process which thrilled me to no end. I'd always had a gap in my two front teeth and when that gap closed and I could run my tongue along the inside, of my smooth, even teeth of my upper palette... Well, it all seemed worth it.
However, in May my 'pal' the orthodontist put a new wire in with big ugly posts attached and then added this thing they call a 'Chain'
Well, the orthodontist calls it a 'Chain'... I call it a 'Cargo Net' because believe me, there is nothing more effective for catching every size food particle imaginable and trapping it in such a way that even a sandblaster couldn't remove it, let alone a toothbrush.

Anyway, I can take the new goal posts framing either side of my top teeth and I can take the cargo net... The pain involved with these new apparatus only lasts a day or two. BUT! What I couldn't fathom was the fact that once these items were applied, my once uniform teeth, the ones that got all straight... the ones I could run my tongue behind and feel smoothness... STARTED TO SHIFT!!!
"Wait just a gosh darn minute Dr. Ortho!" I said after I made an emergency appointment to point out my teeth were getting crooked again. "Oh don't worry about it." he said, with the nonchalance of someone who obviously wasn't toting around Grandpa's tool box worth of metal in his mouth... "It happens and then we just install a corrective wire later."

"A corrective wire later?" Oh okay then, yeah sure... Whatever!
So now, one of my two front teeth has shifted to the point that I'm starting to resemble 'Nanny Mcphee'
and I'm supposed to remain happy with my decision to go through with this whole blasted braces thing. BUT, I'm not allowed to complain to my family about it because pay back is hell when you don't show enough sympathy for your kids during their years of orthodontic bliss.

BUT NOW!!! Now it's WAR!!! Because last week, at my regular appointment, I pointed out my obvious disgust with the 'Goal Posts'... the 'Cargo Net'... And what appears to be my future as Emma Thompson's stunt double. And guess what my orthodontist did to appease me? He said, "Today you get a present!"... "A present!!!" I said, with all the excitement of a kid on Christmas morning. "Yes, a present!" he said. Shortly thereafter his assistant came over with 2 packages of teeny-tiny rubber bands. And now I'm rockin' this whole look. After I finished making my next appointment at the front desk I wandered to the back and informed my orthodontist that the next time he had a 'Present' for me, I'd really like it in the form of a gift card.

Party for one... Your table is ready.

The whole orthodontia thing is moving along rather quickly. That space I had between my two front teeth, since I was like 7? It's gone now, likewise for that tooth on the bottom row which was beginning to take up residence 'behind' all of my other bottom teeth... Can I just say how amazed I am by that miracle of orthodontic engineering?

So my hygienist asks me the other day, "How long did your orthodontist say it would be until you got your braces off?" I told her he had predicted 20 months. She said, "Well maybe it's like when you go to a restaurant and the hostess tells you it's going to be a 40 minute wait but then calls to seat you after only 10 minutes."

I've got another appointment coming up in a couple of weeks and I intend to use that exact analogy with my orthodontist when I ask him if, per chance, I'm ahead of schedule. It looks like I'm heading out to California for another visit in May and I can't think of anything more awesome than to make that trips sans braces (well that AND a 30 lb. weight loss 'cause if you're going to dream, DREAM BIG, or in this case, dream small.) 14 months vs. 20 months? C'mon, it could happen!... Couldn't it?

The Mouth of Pain

There's a distinct difference between the way my daughter and I look at Orthodontia.

Whenever She has an appointment looming on the calendar, she begins to dread the days leading up to it. In stark contrast, whenever I have an appointment coming up, I look forward to it with great anticipation.... Because I like pain? Duh! NO! I'm no masochist. I'm excited to see the orthodontist because I look at it as being one step closer to straight teeth. You see, my daughter has difficulty looking at the Big Picture. She lacks VISION and NO, I'm not saying she needs to see an Optometrist.

So last week my daughter had her appointment with Dr. 'Game Show Host' the Orthodontist. She was miserable a couple days leading up to it and then miserable for two days after due to the discomfort of having her braces tightened.

Yesterday was my appointment, I couldn't wait, my teeth are coming together so nicely, I was excited to have Dr. Game Show Host, note my progress. He told me, "Things are really moving along nicely." And then his assistant replaced the upper and lower wires with piano wire and today I'm sitting here worried about how much it's going to hurt when I eat my morning oatmeal.

Just to be a complete killjoy, my daughter said, "Oh, he says 'Things are moving along nicely' to EVERYBODY Mom." I'm certain in a couple of days my mouth will be back to normal... Well, as normal as it CAN be when it's full of metal and piano wire, but I am determined to be impressively stoic in the meantime... Just to prove to my girl that one doesn't have to be a baby about these things.

Today's Kick Ass I-pod Shuffle Tune:
Now you just KNEW I was gonna through some FOB in here didn't you? This tune came into rotation nearing the end of a good strong walk. Anna was at this point, kinda dragging a few feet behind me. I kept turning back to her and saying, "Are you doin' okay girl?" Then she'd step it up a few paces and eventually fall back again. When this song came on though, I just couldn't help myself. I pounded out the beat but when the chorus hit, I started jogging. Anna half galloped along and when the chorus ended I'd start pounding out the walk again. Then the chorus would hit and off we'd go. If Anna could talk, I'm quite sure she would've been cursing me a blue streak because seriously, she had a marjorly pissed off look on her face.

Chipmunk Cheeks & Brace Face

The boy is doing fabulously! Though his cheeks puffed up to enormous proportions 24 hrs. after the removal of his wisdom teeth, he's now pretty much back to normal. AND I'm happy to report, he has developed a thicker skin thanks to all the chipmunk jokes he had to endure. Unfortunately I never decided which he resembled more... Chip or Dale... Oh well!

On the braces front... Well, they're still there and I'm finally at a point where I don't wake up every morning with the first thought that enters my head sounding something like this:
"SHIT! I have braces!... What the HELL was I thinking?"

I also confronted my worst braces fear, when the 14 yr. old daughter (who also happens to have braces) of a friend of mine said, "YOU got braces?" with a squinched up face and a look like she'd just bitten into moldy cheese. Ironically, that same night I had a dream about my orthodontist being upset with me because I left a large antique cabinet in his waiting room. He wanted it removed because it was cluttering up the place.

Now, I know I'm really not an antique AND I'm also quite positive my orthodontist is thrilled with the extra five grand my mouth full of pain has allotted him, but apparently my subconscious likes to mess with me.

'Cause this made me laugh...

And laughing with braces isn't easy... My lips get caught on the wires.

Note

Food doesn't taste as good when it ends up all smashed up in your braces.

Hmmm? Straight teeth and a diet plan, that's a WIN/WIN!