Stressful
My friend L recently asked me why I seem so stressed...
In 9 days I'm going to be seeing my dad for the first time in 8 or 9 years, I've been pondering how long its been and I really can't remember. I talk to my dad roughly twice a year on the phone and I wrote him a letter not too long ago expressing the sorrow I felt about having spent so little time together throughout our lives. Now I've got the opportunity to see him and I'm frightened.
Afraid of him, No... Afraid I'll be hurt because we won't be able to find a way to communicate with eachother on a level that I envision, Yes. I have a nasty habit of building up expectations. Yearning for relationships that I read about in Hallmark cards... Do those really exist? They do in my immediate family between my husband, myself and our kids. However, because I can't seem to make that type of connection with my own parents I feel that it's because of me. Don't get me wrong... The rational thinking adult side of me says, "It's your parents Marge, they just didn't get it... They were lacking the tools it takes to be 'good' parents." Then that little 5 yr. old girl inside of me doesn't say anything... She simply paints a picture of herself in my head... In that picture she simply stands there with tears in her eyes and her head lowered just wishing there was someone there to make her feel loved. The only way I seem to be able to make that pain a little less crushing is to give that love to my own children.
So the fact is that I'm stressed over expectations. I don't want to have any but I can't seem to keep myself from NOT thinking about them. I had expectations before seeing my mother for the first time in 10 yrs. when she came out to visit last October and that was the most disasterous 4 days I've ever spent. It's one thing when your mother looks at you with venom in her eyes and says, "I wish I'd never met your father!... You know what that means don't you?... You would've never been born!" (they divorced when I was 3.) It's quite another thing when you find out that she said the same thing to your best friend behind your back. That's something that never registered on my level of expectations.
I'm stressed because I just don't think I can go through being hurt like that again... And especially not by my dad.
In 9 days I'm going to be seeing my dad for the first time in 8 or 9 years, I've been pondering how long its been and I really can't remember. I talk to my dad roughly twice a year on the phone and I wrote him a letter not too long ago expressing the sorrow I felt about having spent so little time together throughout our lives. Now I've got the opportunity to see him and I'm frightened.
Afraid of him, No... Afraid I'll be hurt because we won't be able to find a way to communicate with eachother on a level that I envision, Yes. I have a nasty habit of building up expectations. Yearning for relationships that I read about in Hallmark cards... Do those really exist? They do in my immediate family between my husband, myself and our kids. However, because I can't seem to make that type of connection with my own parents I feel that it's because of me. Don't get me wrong... The rational thinking adult side of me says, "It's your parents Marge, they just didn't get it... They were lacking the tools it takes to be 'good' parents." Then that little 5 yr. old girl inside of me doesn't say anything... She simply paints a picture of herself in my head... In that picture she simply stands there with tears in her eyes and her head lowered just wishing there was someone there to make her feel loved. The only way I seem to be able to make that pain a little less crushing is to give that love to my own children.
So the fact is that I'm stressed over expectations. I don't want to have any but I can't seem to keep myself from NOT thinking about them. I had expectations before seeing my mother for the first time in 10 yrs. when she came out to visit last October and that was the most disasterous 4 days I've ever spent. It's one thing when your mother looks at you with venom in her eyes and says, "I wish I'd never met your father!... You know what that means don't you?... You would've never been born!" (they divorced when I was 3.) It's quite another thing when you find out that she said the same thing to your best friend behind your back. That's something that never registered on my level of expectations.
I'm stressed because I just don't think I can go through being hurt like that again... And especially not by my dad.
posted by EmBee at 8:07 AM
2 Comments:
Oh, honey! I wish I could give you a big hug! Consider yourself hugged from afar.
I used to know someone who would say "Everything will be OOOKAAAY." And she would draw out the word okay. She said it so many times, I believed her and I still hear the words in my head during difficult times.
This will be good no matter what. You may be pleasantly surprised and find that you can communicate with your Dad in a new way. You may be hurt because it doesn't go how you expect. Either way it is part of the journey. Keep making the journey! If you stop because you are afraid, you will not move forward to a place where your feelings are resolved.
In my painful family relationships, I have found happiness in feeling like I did my best. I tried. I hope you can feel this too! Maybe it is not the best feeling, but at least give yourself the credit for trying to make a good relationship with your parents.
Accepting your hug & smiling...
:)
OOOKAAAY!
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