TNS Tuesday - Teaching an old dog what she should've learned in 7th grade

Okay see, I kinda forgot about TNS Tuesday (for anyone new here TNS stands for The New School which is the private democratic school my kids attend, you can read more about it here.) However, since I myself am struggling through getting educated, 'The New School' way, I thought I'd talk a little about ME today... ya, like I've never done that before.

I'm 43 yrs. old and I'm learning ALGEBRA. What's that I hear you say, "What Margie, you don't know Algebra?" Surely you learned that in Jr. High?" Well ya, I did... And I could expound on the shortcomings of my Southern California education but that might not be entirely fair. Jr. high was not only a time in my life when trying hard NOT to be the biggest dork on campus was at the forefront of my conscience, but also trying to survive my domineering, physically and emotionally abusive step-mother was also of main concern... Math class therefore sat in that part of my brain waaaay in the back, much like that rear facing seat in our circa 1970 station wagon.

So now I hear you saying, "So why Algebra, why now?" Have I mentioned that TNS is a school deeply rooted in philosophy? Every day, TNS students are challenged to think about themselves and their effect on others. Enter last Christmas... Holidays can be especially trying for me emotionally. Everywhere I look, television, magazines, movies, I'm inundated with images of the 'perfect' family gathering. I tend to manage this well in my home, with my immediate family. Doing all of the 'Martha Stewarty' things I expect of myself. Unfortunately though, I tend to reflect on the past and how the family I grew up in, scattered in the wind like dandelion seeds. For reasons I won't go into here, this past Christmas was particularly trying. My daughter witnessed me completely break down and bawl my eyes out. When the last deflated balloon was tossed out after my pity party, my daughter wisely recommended I talk with my friend Mel, who also happens to be the founder of TNS.

In January I met with Mel and poured out my life and frustrations over my emotional upbringing. I'm a person deeply rooted in emotions. I cry at the most nonsensical things. For instance, name a Disney movie, any one of 'em... I've cried. I walked into a 'Pottery Barn' last week and the smell in the air was so wonderfully, deliciously, aromatic... I cried (just a little though, I didn't make a scene or anything... My daughter was with me and she would've died of embarrassment.) And it doesn't take much to get me choked up when I read your blog posts... Tell me about your children and how much they mean to you... Tell me about a sick friend... Tell me about a thoughtful deed from your husband... That's right, I cry.

So due to all this emotional crap I've got bottled up inside, I can make myself pretty sick sometimes... Not to mention stuck! Unable to make informative decisions, unable to think clearly about things. So Mel suggested I do MATH.... Yep, MATH... For me, it's just like that other 4 letter word I let slip when I'm incredibly angry or frustrated. "You see", Mel tells me, "When one does math, one must use the side of the brain rooted in logic. When one thinks logically about things emotions move to the back burner and no longer completely influence our actions." So you see, by learning math I'm hoping to deal with emotional issues more appropriately.

Here's the rub... When I study math, I get emotional... I can't help it, though I'm trying to work through it. When I look at an Algebra problem I don't understand, I have to fight a very real demon inside my head that tells me repeatedly, "You're too stupid, that's why you don't understand it, you'll never understand it, why are you doing this to yourself, you're wasting your time, give it up, you'll never learn this stuff." It plays like a recording OVER and OVER again and I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it now. Mel knows I'm fighting this beast known as self-doubt and despite my set-backs when the beast gets the better of me, she keeps me fighting. We stop mid-way through a lesson and go back to a equation I'm familiar with and build from there. Sometimes it seems we keep going through the same methods over and over again but Mel is always prepared to show me a different way of thinking about the problem. "Patience of a saint!" I say. She says, "No, I know it's in you, I know you comprehend it all, it's just that evil voice of doubt that's holding you back."

So here I am, a 43 yr. old Algebra student. Not doing math because I'm planning to enter some competition or earn a degree even. I'm just working through it so I can better understand myself. To become more grounded in how I think about things, everyday things, discussions with my kids, with my husband even... Interactions that allow me to think things through logically and not lead with an emotional outburst. I think it's working. I think Life, for me, doesn't feel wrought with the sharp steel edges of emotion like it used to. Now I'm more apt to stand back, think carefully before I speak. I'm also getting better at wrestling that dragon in my head, that evil naysayer who tells me I can't. That guy who didn't think I could ever solve a problem like this:

Dr. Johnson took one hour to drive from her home to Mercy Hospital and back. The return drive took 8 minutes less than the trip to the hospital. How long did it take her each way?

but now I can.
To some it may be a trivial thing, to me, it's nothing short of amazing.