Update on the Shopping...

So we're back from the mall, my daughter and I... I've tried on nearly every black dress on the racks between Penny's and Macy's... Because you know, black is supposed to make you look uh, SLIMMER... Not true folks, not true. First I tried on several dresses which were too small... Hey, I can hope can't I? Then I tried on dresses the next size up which all looked big, frumpy and gave the impression I was in mourning. I tried on one dress that was so matronly, if I'd thrown on a big floppy hat and a long strand of beads I might well have been asked as I walked into the church at the wedding whether I was the Grandmother of the bride or of the Groom?

That's when I saw this really beautiful blouse. Why wear a dress, I asked myself? Then I told my daughter, what if I wore a really spectacular blouse with a pair of black slacks? "Try it on." she said. I did and it looked great except for one, uh I mean two minor problems. This was a blouse not fit for a bra so when I tried it on sans bra, well... It got REALLY sexy! I LOVED the blouse but feared if I wore it to the family wedding my new nick-name just might become 'Cousin Nipples'... I thought it might work... Maybe it wouldn't be as cold at the wedding as it was in the dressing room? "No Mom, I don't think it's going to work." my daughter admonished. Then she suggested perhaps I could find a strapless bra thereby cementing my nickname to be something more like 'Cousin Snappy Dresser' and lessen the likelihood of the 'Nipples' moniker. So we ventured over to the lingerie section. Now can I just stop and make a note here... Roughly 10 yrs. ago I had breast reduction surgery, I won't go much more into it than lay out the fact that I had 7.5 lbs. of boobage removed and in it's place are now a much smaller, more manageable set of twins. I DO however still have a sizable girth. So when I search for bras I'm always and forever stuck with the options of either it's big enough around but the cup size is gallons too big or perfect cup size but there's no way the hooks will ever meet. I am a woman forever on the hunt for a decent fitting bra.... So anyway, back to the search for something strapless. After a fairly thorough hunt I found a bra/girdle type arrangement that seemed stretchy enough as to allow for my girth but not be so big in the cup area as to completely lose the twins. So back into the dressing room my daughter and I sojourned. I'll spare you the play by play but let's just say that I DID eventually make my way into the strapless garment all the while my daughter asking, "Mom, can you breathe?" It wasn't so much that I couldn't manage taking a breath it was simply that I was out of breath having struggled so diligently to get INTO the contraption. My chest was glowing red from the abrasiveness of it all but eventually I managed to get everything in it's place... Much like an overstuffed pillow into a much too narrow pillowcase. When at last I slipped the fabulous blouse over my head and it fell down upon the torturous undergarment, I was dismayed to find the blouse didn't cover the bra. I tried some adjustments but there was no covering the damnable thing. My daughter and I both agreed to just give it up. All was solemn until it came down to removing the bra/girdle/torture device. At first I started to go upwards with removing it... That is until I could feel muscles straining and beginning to pop in my neck. Before I became completely stuck in a position which I knew I would forever be unable to free myself I pulled the garment back down. My daughter convulsing with laughter was little help as I informed her there was no way of going UPWARDS, that it simply must come DOWN! You know that pillow analogy I mentioned earlier? Well, the pillow gets much wider at the base so that little sausage case of a torture device was made to stretch far beyond its practical measure (Fortunately the bra/girdle thing was crafted of some sort of memory fabric which allowed it to spring right back into its original shape or else I would've felt the need to purchase the awful thing for having ruined it.) As I went through the long slow struggle of inching the garment down my body, both my daughter and I were overcome with fits of laughter that surely rang throughout not only the dressing room but the entire 2nd floor of the Macy's department store. So not only while struggling to contort my body into unimaginable positions I was also trying desperately not to pee my pants as was my daughter. Once I got the garment down to my waist I realized it was NOT going to fit over my shorts so those had to come down too... As I inched the horrible thing over my hips it nearly swiped my underwear down along with it. All this pain from skin rubbed raw mixed with all the side splitting laughter left me completely spent. I wiped at the sweat across my brow, swiped at the tears that were running down my face from laughing so hard and dressed in my loose comfortable clothes. I took one more look at that oh so fabulous blouse and said my final farewell. I restrung the strapless bra torture device back on it's little hanger and was amazed it looked no worse for ware despite all it had been through. I on the other hand hadn't faired quite as well. Defeated by the process of having found nothing to wear for the wedding my daughter suggested we get a snack to cheer me up. So arm in arm we walked off to the food court and enjoyed a pretzel together and laughed some more about our shared experience.

I'm sure to find something to wear eventually, I've still got 2 weeks before the wedding and who knows what other adventures await?