Pinhead

I'm still busier than a one legged Riverdancer but I just had to take a moment to spread the unmitigated pleasure that was my visit to the DMV.

I must first tell you that my son proposed a rather interesting bet. He challenged, that I wouldn't be able to make the DMV employee who would ultimately wait on me, smile. Seeing as I'm such a bright and sunny sort of person I took that bet and along with my sunny disposition, made my way across town, to the MVA (Maryland Vehicle Administration) building.

I'd like to state that a rather unprecedented thing happened when I arrived. I approached the front desk to state my business and was immediately sent to a cubicle for my lisence renewal... NO WAITING!!! I KNOW!!! As I approached the older, oh for now why don't I refer to him as 'Gentleman'... As I approached the 'gentleman' who was to wait on me, I instantly turned on the charm and approached him saying, "You were just waiting for me to get her I see." Taking a moment to unpurse his lips he grumbled something along the lines of, "Yes, Whatever or You got that right." I handed him my old lisence and before I could even consider letting my hair down from it's ponytail he told me to stand against the blue wall and snapped my picture.

Following what I knew was sure to be one of the worst photo sessions of my life I was asked to sit back down and look at the screen. Questions appeared on the touch screen faster than I could read them. When it got to the question regarding the 'Donor Program' I touched the yes button. That's when 'Mr. Congeniality' snapped, "What're you doin? I didn't tell you to touch the screen." I cheerily replied, "Well you didn't tell me NOT to!" After that I kept my hands in my lap as my host shook his head in disgust at having to babysit another moron. I was rather surprised when a question appeared on the screen which Mr. 'C' wanted an answer for. The question inquired as to whether I was employed. Why does the DMV need to know that, I wonder? Regardless I answered carefully and said with self-assurance. "I'm not employed outside the home, but am a Homemaker which is a job in and of itself." That's when Mr. Congeniality slipped from the 'Gentleman at the DMV' to that 'Asshole at the DMV.' His reply to my answer of employement? "That's NO job, all you do is sit around all day, load a dishwasher, maybe fold some laundry and watch soap operas."

He said WHAT?

Now you think I would've crawled across the desk, grabbed him by the collar and twisted 'til his face turned blue... But no. I instead looked at him with a sly smile and replied, "Oh, you don't really believe that DO you?... In fact, I rarely even watch t.v." He never even broke a smile as he said, "Sure you all do, you watch things like 'As the world turns' right?" Interesting that HE knew the name of a particular soap opera. Still, firmly embedded in my charming mode, even as I struggled not to bite a hole through my tongue, I said, "No, I keep busy with things like homework." "HOMEWORK?" he said, "What are you studying?" "Algebra and inter-personal relationships." I replied, though he cut me off before I could even finish my reply. "ALGEBRA? Why would anyone want to study ALGEBRA?" He said, spitting out the words as though the mere taste of them were foul upon his tongue. Maintaining my half-glass-full disposition I said, "Why, to exercise the brain of course and to build analytical thinking." I added, "Don't you believe too many people today dwell in their emotions, that we're a part of an 'It's all about me' society?" He wasn't even listening, he just continued to be confounded by the idea of 'Algebra'... My guess is he didn't do very well in this particular subject.

'Round about this point of our 'less than pleasant' conversation, I had passed my eye-exam and swiped my credit card. That's when the guy, formerly known as 'Gentleman' leaned back in his chair, graced me with one last grumpy sneer and handing me my new license said, "Your done."

I walked out of there having lost not only 10 good minutes of my life but also the bet with my son. And to add insult to injury, the picture on my new lisence makes ME look like the 'Pinhead.'

TNS Tuesday - Teaching an old dog what she should've learned in 7th grade

Okay see, I kinda forgot about TNS Tuesday (for anyone new here TNS stands for The New School which is the private democratic school my kids attend, you can read more about it here.) However, since I myself am struggling through getting educated, 'The New School' way, I thought I'd talk a little about ME today... ya, like I've never done that before.

I'm 43 yrs. old and I'm learning ALGEBRA. What's that I hear you say, "What Margie, you don't know Algebra?" Surely you learned that in Jr. High?" Well ya, I did... And I could expound on the shortcomings of my Southern California education but that might not be entirely fair. Jr. high was not only a time in my life when trying hard NOT to be the biggest dork on campus was at the forefront of my conscience, but also trying to survive my domineering, physically and emotionally abusive step-mother was also of main concern... Math class therefore sat in that part of my brain waaaay in the back, much like that rear facing seat in our circa 1970 station wagon.

So now I hear you saying, "So why Algebra, why now?" Have I mentioned that TNS is a school deeply rooted in philosophy? Every day, TNS students are challenged to think about themselves and their effect on others. Enter last Christmas... Holidays can be especially trying for me emotionally. Everywhere I look, television, magazines, movies, I'm inundated with images of the 'perfect' family gathering. I tend to manage this well in my home, with my immediate family. Doing all of the 'Martha Stewarty' things I expect of myself. Unfortunately though, I tend to reflect on the past and how the family I grew up in, scattered in the wind like dandelion seeds. For reasons I won't go into here, this past Christmas was particularly trying. My daughter witnessed me completely break down and bawl my eyes out. When the last deflated balloon was tossed out after my pity party, my daughter wisely recommended I talk with my friend Mel, who also happens to be the founder of TNS.

In January I met with Mel and poured out my life and frustrations over my emotional upbringing. I'm a person deeply rooted in emotions. I cry at the most nonsensical things. For instance, name a Disney movie, any one of 'em... I've cried. I walked into a 'Pottery Barn' last week and the smell in the air was so wonderfully, deliciously, aromatic... I cried (just a little though, I didn't make a scene or anything... My daughter was with me and she would've died of embarrassment.) And it doesn't take much to get me choked up when I read your blog posts... Tell me about your children and how much they mean to you... Tell me about a sick friend... Tell me about a thoughtful deed from your husband... That's right, I cry.

So due to all this emotional crap I've got bottled up inside, I can make myself pretty sick sometimes... Not to mention stuck! Unable to make informative decisions, unable to think clearly about things. So Mel suggested I do MATH.... Yep, MATH... For me, it's just like that other 4 letter word I let slip when I'm incredibly angry or frustrated. "You see", Mel tells me, "When one does math, one must use the side of the brain rooted in logic. When one thinks logically about things emotions move to the back burner and no longer completely influence our actions." So you see, by learning math I'm hoping to deal with emotional issues more appropriately.

Here's the rub... When I study math, I get emotional... I can't help it, though I'm trying to work through it. When I look at an Algebra problem I don't understand, I have to fight a very real demon inside my head that tells me repeatedly, "You're too stupid, that's why you don't understand it, you'll never understand it, why are you doing this to yourself, you're wasting your time, give it up, you'll never learn this stuff." It plays like a recording OVER and OVER again and I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it now. Mel knows I'm fighting this beast known as self-doubt and despite my set-backs when the beast gets the better of me, she keeps me fighting. We stop mid-way through a lesson and go back to a equation I'm familiar with and build from there. Sometimes it seems we keep going through the same methods over and over again but Mel is always prepared to show me a different way of thinking about the problem. "Patience of a saint!" I say. She says, "No, I know it's in you, I know you comprehend it all, it's just that evil voice of doubt that's holding you back."

So here I am, a 43 yr. old Algebra student. Not doing math because I'm planning to enter some competition or earn a degree even. I'm just working through it so I can better understand myself. To become more grounded in how I think about things, everyday things, discussions with my kids, with my husband even... Interactions that allow me to think things through logically and not lead with an emotional outburst. I think it's working. I think Life, for me, doesn't feel wrought with the sharp steel edges of emotion like it used to. Now I'm more apt to stand back, think carefully before I speak. I'm also getting better at wrestling that dragon in my head, that evil naysayer who tells me I can't. That guy who didn't think I could ever solve a problem like this:

Dr. Johnson took one hour to drive from her home to Mercy Hospital and back. The return drive took 8 minutes less than the trip to the hospital. How long did it take her each way?

but now I can.
To some it may be a trivial thing, to me, it's nothing short of amazing.