Rush Hour!

There wasn't much to do on Friday after we attended the Admissions Interview and checked out apartments for THE SCHOOL. So I looked to Computer Boy and he said, "I know, let's go to Krispy Kreme!" (Seriously, the boy is a Krispy Kreme addict, especially since they closed the chain in our part of the country.)

I thought sure, why not, don't have anything else to do but sit in out hotel room. So Computer Boy plugged in the coordinates to our GPS and away we.... SAT... In traffic... Bumper to Bumper... On our way to DOWNTOWN SEATTLE AT 5:00 in the evening! But that's cool, it's not like we had anyplace we had to be. It's just that trying to navigate rush hour traffic with a GPS that tells you to stay right and at the next block informs you to turn left, which in fact is 3 lanes over... Well, let's just say it can be a bit daunting.

And just to add insult to injury, as we got closer to our destination, the GPS would update us by saying, ".5 miles to Krispy Kreme Doe-NOTS on left."

My reply, "Listen bitch, DON'T judge!"

That Trip...

So you know that trip Computer Boy and I took to Redmond, Washington?

It was FRIGGIN' AWESOME!!!

But I'm not going to say any more about that until he meets his prerequisites and gets accepted. He didn't even want me to buy him a school t-shirt for fear it might jinx it.

But here's my favorite line from the weekend:

Setting - Open House weekend, after listening to a school adviser talk to a room of roughly 80 people at which time I raised my hand and asked a few questions.

Me: I hope I didn't embarrass you at all by asking questions.

Computer Boy: No, not really.

Me: That's good because I really wouldn't want to embarrass you.

Computer Boy: Thanks, I know it's hard for you.

Funny But Oh SO True...

Late at night 'Computer Boy' scours the inner-nets for stuff to amuse me.

The link is pure comedic gold, mostly because there's great humor in simple truth.

Enjoy!
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/printers

Damn Crooked House

So the other night, 'Computer Boy' was loading the fridge with soda cans, when the sodas shifted within the oblong carton on the counter and began tumbling to the floor, one.... after.... the... other. 'Computer Boy' was quite obviously frustrated and said, "Well this wouldn't have happened if this entire house wasn't on a slant!" I said, "What?" and began laughing.

I could tell by the smirk on his face, he knew very well he was just making an excuse for the accidental soda drop but it still didn't stop him from locating a marble to see if it would roll off the counter, which it didn't so consider that myth BUSTED!

Worth the Orgasm?

I'm helping out with our towns annual 'Fall Fest'... I've got another meeting today.

*hanging head in despair* Why?... Why?....... Why do I get involved in these things?

I say yes when I'm asked to attend a meeting, while at said meeting, I raise my hand or say I'll help do thus and such and then I go home and figuratively kick myself in the ass repeatedly until the next meeting when I do it all over again. Then I ultimately push my entire life aside to do shit I didn't want to do in the first place.

My friend Rose had the perfect analogy for this situation. She said, "Embe, it's like an orgasm. At the meeting they fill your head with all this, 'Oooo, you're SO talented and SO creative, we need you, we love you!'... It's the orgasm! Then you gotta spend your time giving birth to the project... Carrying it around in your womb, morning sickness, swollen ankles, general all-around discomfort and then, labor and delivery... That's the really HARD part. Ya know, it's really not worth the orgasm when you end up pregnant EVERY goddamn time!"

My friend Rose, she's such a freakin' philsopher.

It's Like Magic

The Scene -
Getting ready to watch a video with 'Computer Boy.'

The Dialogue -
Between a boy and his mom.

Computer Boy: "Where's the remote for the dvd player?"

Me: "Um, I don't know, I haven't seen it in a while."

Computer Boy (after sitting in the same spot for roughly 5 minutes, announces): "That's SO frustrating, I've looked everywhere and don't know where the dvd remote can possibly be?"

Me: "You've looked EVERYWHERE?.... Are you kidding me, you haven't moved from that spot."

Computer Boy: "No, but I'm thinking about where it COULD be."

Me: Looking under the coffee table I spy the missing remote, grab it and hand it to Computer Boy along with a major eye roll.

Computer Boy: "See, I knew it would come to me."

From the Humor Dept.

As it pertains to blogging, I'm always in love with a NEW idea and this one just tickles my funny bone:

http://crabbyoldfart.wordpress.com/

And since my son is closing in on 6' 2" and much to my dismay, can comfortably rest his chin on the top of my head, I dedicate the following post to him.


http://crabbyoldfart.wordpress.com/2009/04/17/god-damned-giant-teenagers-get-my-goat/

Stargazer

My husband received a telescope from his mom for his birthday. It's dark now and he's like a little kid with a brand new toy... No wait, bad metaphor... He IS a little kid with a brand new toy... Well, a 51 yr. old, really geeky little kid, if you want to get technical.

It's rather chilly this evening and he's been out there for quite awhile. My sister-in-law just walked in the room and asked, "What IS he doing out there?" to which I replied, "I don't know, I think he's mapping the stars... I know it sounds REALLY romantic but he's all by himself."

Things to do...

Wonderin' why you haven't seen much goin' on at the treehouse lately?.....
I'm busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest!

And today, TODAY, I have to detour over to the ol' MVA (that's the Maryland Motor Vehicle Admin. for you outta towners) and renew my drivers license. Oh yeah me!

I've considered seeing if I could pull a fast one on the ever cheerful DMV employee* and inform her my weight is a mere 125 lbs. but I wouldn't want her to hurt herself laughing (um yeah, like that could happen, I've never seen these people so much as smirk.) So I'm instead considering the notion of listing my weight at 350 lbs. so in case I ever get pulled over the officer will take one look at me and say, "Damn woman, you look gooood!" I'd find that much more preferable than leaving him with the impression I'd completely gone to pot!

Off to the races!



*Hi, I'm this years VP of the National Sarcasm Society, like we need your support.

Sweet Jesus, I'm Completely Alone!

My husband is working at the office today and the kids are back to school.

The ONLY things stirring in the house right now are the dog (eating her breakfast) and the tappity-tap-tap of the keyboard as I sit blissfully alone, typing away.

Things I should be doing right now:
1. Start a load of laundry.
2. Empty the dishwasher and load dirty breakfast dishes in the sink.
3. Vacuum (Good Heavens, how desperate the carpeting looks right now, in EVERY damn room of the house.)
4. Pick up all of everyone's 'crap' that's been left behind on every flat surface in the house.
5. Math & Reading homework (Aristotle, you'd be so much more palatable if you wrote like Erma Bombeck.)

Things I'd like to do instead:
1. Poke around the internet and read a few blogs.
2. Make myself a second cup of tea.
3. Call 'Atlanta Rose' and gleefully discuss my upcoming visit to 'Hot-Lanta'
4. Head down to the studio and 'Create'
5. Take a nap

With so many options available, this really is an 'Anything Can Happen Day'.

The Waiting Room

I was inspired to tell you this story by this post from 'Chatting at the sky'... Now I may no longer be in the 'keep your kid occupied while you wait for the pediatrician' stage of my life. But I do however know the discomfort and yes, embarrassment of having to wait seemingly long hours for a doctor to enter an exam room.

Case in point:
The last time I visited my ob/gyn I sat comfortably in the waiting room to be called. I waited roughly 15 min. trying to enjoy the magazine available with the article on 'How to stay fit during Pregnancy' (3 yrs. post-hysterectomy, it wasn't necessarily a HUGE topic of interest but it was that or '6 Solutions for Stretch Marks' and believe me, that ship has already sailed and let's just say, there were no solutions.

So the nurse calls me to the back and I get my blood pressure taken and go through the horror of stepping on the scale.... "Let me put down my purse, it weighs a TON!"... "Can I take my shoes off?".... "Yes, I know they're only sandals.".... "Um, this necklace, it's pretty heavy too, but if I'm going to take that off I might as well remove my earrings."..... "Can't you just weigh me AFTER I remove my clothes?".... "Oh that's right, the only scale is out here in the hall, well someone should fix that!".... "I know, I know, let's get on with it!"

When I at last enter the exam room the nurse instructs me to remove all my clothing, put on the paper gown, "OPEN IN THE FRONT!".... You know, the 'GOWN' that's as long as a vest and covers roughly one and a half boobs? Then I'm instructed to use a folded square of paper as a 'SHEET' to cover my lower extremities.... Nice! ..... When I tug it over one half of my body, the other half becomes exposed, the same goes for when I tug it over the other half of my body. Ultimately I decide to cover the half that is closest to the exam room door, so as not to immediately flash the doctor as she enters the room.... But that won't be for some time. So I began my wait on the paper covered exam table. Damn, lot of paper in this place!

Now I'd like to add that while I still have one ovary left (post-hysterectomy), that one ovary is beginning to shrivel like a prune, so menopause is fast becoming a reality. So put me in a stuffy little room and the results can quickly become sauna like. It wasn't long before I was dripping.... And I'm sure you're all well aware of what happens when perspiration and paper meet. Yes, by the time the physician at last walked into my very own 3rd level of hell, I had paper stuck ALL OVER me. If it had been brightly colored paper I might well have been confused for a Pinata. Fortunately my physician is a female so I think she understood as I half slid, half scooted to the end of the table. All the while peeling bits and pieces of paper from my legs and backside with nervous laughter.

The only thing missing from this picture is me covered in bits of paper.

Embarrassing Moment #???... What am I up to now?

This afternoon my daughter and I made a trip to Jo-Ann Fabrics... In order to, you know, to get our Craft on!

As we walked through the store my daughter came down with a raging case of the hiccups... Hiccups SO powerful that when she both hiccuped and laughed at the same time, she sounded like a wounded water buffalo. Of course I took the opportunity to tease her by saying, "I'll just stand over here because you are totally embarrassing me!" I mean why not, that's what she's always saying to me. Especially during the times when the music pouring out of a stores sound system makes me want to bust a move.

So, back to my story.... There came a point during our shopping expedition in which I really needed to make a pit stop. In the, I just ate a McDonald's burger, fries and shake kind of way (not that I had but you probably know what I mean.) So I informed my daughter that I needed to hit the restroom, Pronto! She answered that she had to go also. So I hightailed it towards the Ladies Room with my daughter in pursuit. After I made it to the stall and sat down I heard my daughter enter and take the remaining stall. Since I had arrived first I went straight for the spacious Handicapped stall, leaving my daughter with the narrow one. Because we're always competing with one another I said aloud to her, "Ha, ha-ha-ha (note sign songy voice), I got the big stall!"... She didn't answer so I said, "You may make disgusting noises but I'm going to stink up the place."... Still no answer. That's when I looked down at the feet of the person in the stall next to me and thought to myself... "Sarah's not wearing tennis-shoes?" The voice in my head got a little higher when it said, "She wasn't wearing pants either?" The voice in my head went up another octave and in a bare whisper said to me, "That's not Sarah!",,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,




That's when I began to engage in a little foot shuffle while I sat there on the toilet. I thought, maybe if this stranger thinks there's someone else in this stall with me... Who I could've very well been talking to... Well, then maybe she won't be freaked out and therefore I needn't feel nearly as embarrassed... I don't think the foot shuffle fooled anyone. So instead I went with Plan B... Sit quietly, pretend I never said a word and wait until closing time to come out of the bathroom. Seeing as it was 3:30 in the afternoon, I knew that wasn't going to be an option so I waited until she was long gone and then squeaked out in a soft voice, "Sarah?"......................................



No answer.............................................


When I at last exited the bathroom there was my daughter standing dutifully beside our cart. And you know what she said? She said, "We're you talking to someone in there?"

A Thank-You and a Little Laugh

First a heartfelt thanks to all my new friends from SITS. I'm overwhelmed by all the comments... SERIOUSLY, Overwhelmed! I want to sit down with each of you, have a long chat, really take some time to get to know one another and share some laughs. Since that's quite impossible, the best I can do is take some time to carefully acknowledge each of your comments, visit your blogs and get to know you through your shared stories. There are a LOT of comments so this could take me a while, but I'll get there and enjoy every moment of it!

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and your time!

Another jab at the Fast Food industry. I share these jokes like I'm somehow above eating this stuff but I cannot tell a lie, I'd sell my first born for McDonald's French Fries Super-Sized ANYTIME!

While watching the 'Wendy's Baconater' commercial.

Husband: "The Wendy's Baconater, yours Free with a set of cardiac paddles... Because NOTHING sounds more delicious than... CLEAR!"

Just a side note here... What is it about Olympics coverage that makes the fast food industry think selling a 'Heart attack on a bun' is a good idea?

And then she rolled her eyes...

My daughter, the avid hummingbird photographer, entered the house after a recent 'photo session' and whined to me...

Daughter: "Those stupid hummingbirds!"

Me: "What's so stupid about the hummingbirds?"

Daughter: "Well, I'll try to get a picture of one and just as I get ready to photograph it, another hummer will dart up, start a fight with it and chase it off."

Daughter : *heaving a big sigh* "I want to enjoy the hummingbirds but because they can't get along it just completely ruins it for me and makes me angry at them. It would be so much easier if they didn't fight all the time."

Me: *seizing the opportunity as the PERFECT analogy lay spread out before me* "So wait, I think I know what you're saying! When you and your brother fight I feel EXACTLY the same way!... OH MY GOSH, NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL!" I admit, my tone was fairly dripping with sarcasm.

So you know that sound... The sound of one hand clapping? Or the sound a tree makes when it falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it make a sound?... Yep, besides the eye roll, that's pretty much all I heard after that amazing exercise of connecting the dots.

Update on the Shopping...

So we're back from the mall, my daughter and I... I've tried on nearly every black dress on the racks between Penny's and Macy's... Because you know, black is supposed to make you look uh, SLIMMER... Not true folks, not true. First I tried on several dresses which were too small... Hey, I can hope can't I? Then I tried on dresses the next size up which all looked big, frumpy and gave the impression I was in mourning. I tried on one dress that was so matronly, if I'd thrown on a big floppy hat and a long strand of beads I might well have been asked as I walked into the church at the wedding whether I was the Grandmother of the bride or of the Groom?

That's when I saw this really beautiful blouse. Why wear a dress, I asked myself? Then I told my daughter, what if I wore a really spectacular blouse with a pair of black slacks? "Try it on." she said. I did and it looked great except for one, uh I mean two minor problems. This was a blouse not fit for a bra so when I tried it on sans bra, well... It got REALLY sexy! I LOVED the blouse but feared if I wore it to the family wedding my new nick-name just might become 'Cousin Nipples'... I thought it might work... Maybe it wouldn't be as cold at the wedding as it was in the dressing room? "No Mom, I don't think it's going to work." my daughter admonished. Then she suggested perhaps I could find a strapless bra thereby cementing my nickname to be something more like 'Cousin Snappy Dresser' and lessen the likelihood of the 'Nipples' moniker. So we ventured over to the lingerie section. Now can I just stop and make a note here... Roughly 10 yrs. ago I had breast reduction surgery, I won't go much more into it than lay out the fact that I had 7.5 lbs. of boobage removed and in it's place are now a much smaller, more manageable set of twins. I DO however still have a sizable girth. So when I search for bras I'm always and forever stuck with the options of either it's big enough around but the cup size is gallons too big or perfect cup size but there's no way the hooks will ever meet. I am a woman forever on the hunt for a decent fitting bra.... So anyway, back to the search for something strapless. After a fairly thorough hunt I found a bra/girdle type arrangement that seemed stretchy enough as to allow for my girth but not be so big in the cup area as to completely lose the twins. So back into the dressing room my daughter and I sojourned. I'll spare you the play by play but let's just say that I DID eventually make my way into the strapless garment all the while my daughter asking, "Mom, can you breathe?" It wasn't so much that I couldn't manage taking a breath it was simply that I was out of breath having struggled so diligently to get INTO the contraption. My chest was glowing red from the abrasiveness of it all but eventually I managed to get everything in it's place... Much like an overstuffed pillow into a much too narrow pillowcase. When at last I slipped the fabulous blouse over my head and it fell down upon the torturous undergarment, I was dismayed to find the blouse didn't cover the bra. I tried some adjustments but there was no covering the damnable thing. My daughter and I both agreed to just give it up. All was solemn until it came down to removing the bra/girdle/torture device. At first I started to go upwards with removing it... That is until I could feel muscles straining and beginning to pop in my neck. Before I became completely stuck in a position which I knew I would forever be unable to free myself I pulled the garment back down. My daughter convulsing with laughter was little help as I informed her there was no way of going UPWARDS, that it simply must come DOWN! You know that pillow analogy I mentioned earlier? Well, the pillow gets much wider at the base so that little sausage case of a torture device was made to stretch far beyond its practical measure (Fortunately the bra/girdle thing was crafted of some sort of memory fabric which allowed it to spring right back into its original shape or else I would've felt the need to purchase the awful thing for having ruined it.) As I went through the long slow struggle of inching the garment down my body, both my daughter and I were overcome with fits of laughter that surely rang throughout not only the dressing room but the entire 2nd floor of the Macy's department store. So not only while struggling to contort my body into unimaginable positions I was also trying desperately not to pee my pants as was my daughter. Once I got the garment down to my waist I realized it was NOT going to fit over my shorts so those had to come down too... As I inched the horrible thing over my hips it nearly swiped my underwear down along with it. All this pain from skin rubbed raw mixed with all the side splitting laughter left me completely spent. I wiped at the sweat across my brow, swiped at the tears that were running down my face from laughing so hard and dressed in my loose comfortable clothes. I took one more look at that oh so fabulous blouse and said my final farewell. I restrung the strapless bra torture device back on it's little hanger and was amazed it looked no worse for ware despite all it had been through. I on the other hand hadn't faired quite as well. Defeated by the process of having found nothing to wear for the wedding my daughter suggested we get a snack to cheer me up. So arm in arm we walked off to the food court and enjoyed a pretzel together and laughed some more about our shared experience.

I'm sure to find something to wear eventually, I've still got 2 weeks before the wedding and who knows what other adventures await?

Dread

My daughter and I are off to shop for something to wear to an upcoming family wedding.

I'll leave you with this little story from a previous visit to the mall which I posted a couple of years ago:

Squishy'

After a diagnosis last year of Type 2 Diabetes I've been pretty diligent about getting myself into shape. I've lost roughly 45 lbs, but think I have about 25 more to go.

It's so much fun trying on clothes (especially pants!) that are 3 to 4 sizes smaller than I was a year and a half ago... So yesterday my daughter and I did a little clothes shopping. While I tried on one outfit I was lamenting the inevitable roll of excess skin that very unattractively oozes over the top of my jeans and therefore buckles up in the shirt that lays over them... Picture if you will, the 'Michelin Man'... If I slouch, which I normally do when I'm not thinking about how I look... the roll is especially unsightly. So, while I'm trying things on I look in the mirror and stand tall and pose and make a pouty look with my face (like an over-paid runway model)... Then I follow up with the slouch pose so I'll get a feel for how the outfit really looks on me.

So there I was in the dressing room with my daughter yesterday... Posing and Slouching, Posing and Slouching and bemoaning the fact that I still look fat... When my daughter said, "Mom I think you look Great! In fact I'm worried you're going to get too thin and not be 'squishy' anymore!" Then she threw her arms around me right there in the dressing room and started hugging me and said, "Because I love the feeling of your squishiness!"

So here's the problem... How do I become HOT looking for my husband or more importantly... Myself! Yet keep that 'squishiness'? Because as horrible as it sounds being 'squishy' has its real advantages.

Post Note: The 'Hotness' thing kind of wore off and pounds piled back on. Now my daughter has all the 'squishiness' she can hug... Much to my dismay!

The Quest for a Clean House Continues...

Today, we tackle the bedrooms...









Cover me, I'm goin' in!

Please Excuse the Interruption...

My apologies as today's blog is being interrupted by the dire need to tend to some housework and clean up the mess around here.

Regular blog posts will resume once this goal is achieved... Folks, this may take awhile.

Jim asks himself, "What should I wear Today?"

New post over at my other site but I ran across this and just had to find a spot for it...

When men dress themselves:

Thoughts on Hospitals

ON TIME:
Hospitals are a dark and swirling vortex, of which time and space very nearly stand still. Seconds become hours, hours become days and days become years... Relatively speaking.

The time it takes to release the patient from the hospital will be directly proportionate to the amount of snow and sleet collecting on the local roads.

ON TELEVISION:
There is no volume on the television which is low enough to be conducive for sleep, yet loud enough to drown out the disturbing noises coming from the patient across the hall.

YES, you CAN watch too much Discovery Channel... And why does the show 'Dirty Jobs' ALWAYS air during the dinner hour?

Cash Cab is the stupid man, who lacks transportation, answer to Jeopardy.

NO, a Planet of the Apes retrospective on BRAVO, doesn't make for a pleasant way to pass hospital time.

Why do hospital televisions only receive 6 stations and why does one of them have to be CSPAN?

ON PAIN MANAGEMENT:
Always be sure to ask for pain medication at LEAST one hour before you'll be needing it.

It's a good thing the patient can't remember the pain they endured and their moans of distress... Too bad they can't give something to the patients parents to help them forget.

ON FOOD:
If you aren't given the chance to fill out menu choices for dinner, you'll find brussle sprouts as the vegetable accompanying your mystery meat.

Initially the lunch and dinner menu will include foods such as milk, coffee, turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, fruit cocktail, pudding and water-ice... However, once the dietary department realizes they're serving a 17 yr. old boy, dinner consists of nothing more than a hot-dog, a bag of chips and a can of soda.

ON CLEANLINESS:
There is NO easy way to urinate when you have to drag around a 4 ft. tube trailing from your chest.

17 yr. olds, no matter how badly they'd like to bathe, will NEVER submit to a sponge bath.

If the doctor pulls a foot long length of tube from your chest and bodily fluids happen to splash upon your bedding and the floor around your bed, you'd better be damn happy you have a mom with the stomach to clean it up... Because there's no telling how long it would take in 'hospital time' for someone from housecleaning to make it to your room with a mop.

********************************************************************************
Thanks to all who kept Zak in their thoughts. He's doing really well. He still feels like he got punched really hard on the right side of his chest but hasn't needed anything stronger than an Advil since the day after he got home, even though the hospital supplied him with some really good 'stuff.'

Three days in the hospital has taken every ounce of energy out of us. The house needs a good cleaning but with my current perspective it doesn't really matter all that much.

We knew things were really back to normal yesterday when Zak and his sister got into one of their, oh so common, snipping contests, throwing angry words back and forth at one another... Yes, some things never change.