Scale FAIL

Although I'm determined to NOT turn this blog into a site chronicling my struggle with weight loss, I HAVE to take a moment to whine and whine LOUDLY!

The day I decided to 'Slim Down' if you will, I went directly to Kohl's to purchase a new bathroom scale. I wanted just a standard old fashioned scale as the one I was replacing was digital and worked for about oh, 2 minutes. You see, it sat directly below the towel bar and when I inadvertently hung my bathing suit to dry directly over the scale, the resulting water accumulation landed directly on the scale and apparently fried it's circuits.

Anywho, seems your standard bathroom scales aren't as available as they once were and all they had at Kohl's were various brands of the digital variety. Sure, I could've ordered a scale online but that would mean waiting to verify a starting weight. You see, I need to be able to chart progress. Oh sure, I could just wait to feel my clothes becoming looser or perhaps hang in there until someone throws a compliment my way... But I'm an instant gratification kind of gal. Which of course, is obvious, or I wouldn't be in this diet predicament to begin with. So, I purchase this scale by 'HealthoMeter'
bring it home, immediately weigh myself and offer up a prayer of thanks that at least I'm not at the heaviest I've ever been BUT there's still a world of improvement to be made.

I continue weighing myself morning and night for an entire week, noting my progress and am thrilled to see I've reached a 6 lb. loss after 9 days. 9 DAYS!!! 6 LBS!!! This is FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC!!! At this rate, by this time next year, I could be super model material (hey, I can dream can't I?) All right, I can be at the very least, no longer shopping in the plus size section.

Have I mentioned how much I HATE the plus size section? They always put it right next to the petite section, in EVERY SINGLE STORE!!! This means that if you're a plus size gal and you see something cute on that rack a few feet to your right, when you pick it up and look at the tag you realize you've stepped into petite world and feel as though every eye is upon you saying, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?" "IT WOULD TAKE MORE THAN A SHOE HORN TO GET YOU INTO ANY OF THESE OUTFITS!" "GET BACK ON YOUR OWN SIDE, LARGE WOMAN!"

So back to my 'Home-Medic' brand scale story. On Friday I walked, and all was well with the world. I'd lost 6 lbs. and I was feelin' like a goddess, or at least 6 lbs. thinner... Until that night!

My daughter had taken a shower and came downstairs and said, "I don't know about that new scale of yours, I stepped on it once and it gave me one reading and then I stepped on it again and it gave me another." I said, "Perhaps you had it sitting on the tile catawhompas?" She said, "What the heck is catawhompas? But yes, I made sure I had it leveled on the tile floor." So later, I went to check the damn thing out for myself and sure enough, I stepped on it once and it gave me one weight (you didn't honestly think I was going to share that weight HERE did you?) and then I stepped on it again and it gave me another weight 2 lbs. and 4 oz. HIGHER!!! What the Hell? So I spent the next 10 minutes shuffling that damn scale all over the bathroom floor, weighing and re-weighing myself. I'd get the same reading 4-5-6 times in a row and then, sitting in the same exact spot, it would shift again and give me a different reading, sometimes less, sometimes more.

........And then I wanted to go eat a large bowl of ice cream. Hello 'HealthoMeter'?... You FAIL!

I can't even explain what that damn scale has done for my psyche these last couple of days. I feel like that guy who lost to Michael Phelps by 1/100th of a second. You know, thinking you've won it big but then.... Okay, I know that's a completely unfair comparison but you get the gist.

So after weighing myself repeatedly on Saturday and getting readings that fluctuated between 3 and 5 lbs... I decided yesterday to NEVER step foot on that damn scale AGAIN! There's $40 down the drain.

HOWEVER, I walked again today and my mood is brighter again. I'll let you know when the clothes start getting loose or someone says, "Wow you look great! Did you lose weight?" Til then, I'll try to stop blogging about weight loss.

Here's My Kick-Ass Shuffle Tune of the Day:
This song might be a little heavy for some of you but I'm dedicating this one to Chris... It's a song he might be able to admit listening to and not catch any crap from his boys. I have to admit, this is a tune you gotta double time to or else it's too slow, but when I hear, "Now get in the pit and try to love someone" it just makes me feel like hugging a stranger... Which I would never do because the folks at the walking park are already keen on keeping their distance from that crazy woman madly stomping her way around the path.

Singing It's Praises...

I've said it before, I'll say it again... Forget Tae Bo, Forget Nordic Trac and forget that overly tan, super toned, blonde haired, goofy guy with the pony tail, trying to sell you the latest fitness apparatus for your home... You know who I mean:It's just my opinion, but I think the greatest invention to get one motivated is the I-Pod Shuffle. BUT, you can't use those stupid little paddle type earbuds, oh no... You gotta use the buds that sit directly in your ear canal so NO OTHER sound but the tune of a pounding beat is blasting straight into your brain... And, it's GOTTA be a POUDING beat!

I know it might sound like I'm being fecetious... I'm not, I'm completely serious, when I say I LOVE my 'Shuffle.' I have to admit though, it's immensely difficult NOT to break into song while I'm walking... However, I figure, since I already look like a complete dufus, half-way bustin' a move as I make my way around the walking park trail, I'd prefer to not have the authorities apprehend me for the crime of being a complete asshole because I'm singing BADLY at the top of my lungs. So, instead I just move my lips to the music. I save my singing out loud for my kids at home... Yeah, they love it!

Now, every time I exercise there's ONE song that really gets me pumped. I keep my 'Shuffle'... well, on shuffle, so I never know what song that'll end up being. I can always feel that song of the day, the minute it begins to play. The SONG brings on a major adreneline rush and I actually get goose bumps (even though I'm usually sweating like a one legged man at an ass kicking convention.) I can feel my hair sort of stand on end and a smile spreads across my face, like I'm the only one in on the worlds greatest secret. I just feel sorry for anyone walking past me who isn't in my head at that very moment. Any of you ever feel that way when you're listening to your I-pod?

So when todays song began to play I thought I'd add to my blog...
'The Ass Kickin', Foot Poundin', Lip Syncin', I-Pod Shuffle Song of the Day'
Better known as TAKFPLSIPSSOTD...
Yeah, I know it doesn't spell anything... You got any better names?

Anywho, rather than list right out what the TAKFP.... blah! blah! blah!... song is, I'll leave a little hint and then you (my 3 readers) can click to see if you were able to figure it out. Sound like fun?

Okay, here's today's TAK....SS....OTD:

A tiny little thing but DAMN, this artist has a set of pipes and boy can she blow... There just aint no other like her.

Same Basic Ingredients

Last night as my husband and I made our way around the 'Walking Park' (6 miles yesterday, yeah me!) we talked about 'Life'... Not in the 'how's life?' sense but in the deep extissential sense... Extissential? I don't even know how to spell that?

Anywho, my husband came up with the analogy of pancakes vs. souffle. He stated that one could use the same basic ingredients and end up with either a pancake or a souffle depending on how they're cooked. Well, I looked up both recipes this morning and found that each have differing ingredients so I'm going to change his analogy to pancakes vs. biscuits. I understand the point my husband was trying to make. A lot of people are given the same ingredients to start with and some become something stunning like a souffle or more accurately a biscuit. Others are kind of lacklustre and manage just the minimum of expectations. Is it the heat? Is it the subtle tweaking of ingredients?... And why do my husbands analogies have to center around food?

In order to explain this odd conversation one must understand that my husband is 51 years old. I'm not 51 (not even close!) so I can't quite relate to this angst about life in general, that he keeps eluding to. But, after almost 27 years as a programmer in the aerospace industry, I think he's beginning to wonder if that's all there is to define him.

My husband speaks with great admiration of acquaintances who take risks (leave their family and homeland to better themselves in a new country), live life by the seat of their pants (risk financial ruin to live a dream) or go on amazing adventures (sail for 2 weeks up the northeast seaboard.) I suppose he considers these men to be the 'Biscuits' of life. But I think my husband has forgotten the risks he's taken. Leaving his family and all he knew in Virginia to start a promising job in California took a lot of bravery. Having to deal with my insane family, in order for us to be together, proved he was a man of honor and dignity. And in my book, ANY man who willingly takes on the role of being a father and proves himself worthy of the title by having teenagers who love and respect him is a real hero.

You know, I've never really cared for biscuits... I DO like pancakes! But regardless, they're just food items... There's nothing all that extissential about food... But that man I married, he's pretty damn WONDERFUL and I hope he's capable of pushing that angst aside and see it for himself.

My Life Is A Lot Like My Tupperware Cabinet

Roughly a year ago I completely organized the cabinet in my kitchen I refer to as 'The Tupperware Cabinet'. This is the cabinet which holds all my storage containers for leftovers and a bunch of misc. plastic stuff.

A year ago, my Tupperware Cabinet was in a word, Beautiful... A completely organized creation. I had lids sorted by size in a slotted, re-purposed, plastic office sorter. I had bowls nested according to size and nestled in cake carriers... I'm telling you, it was organization at its finest!

Today, my Tupperware Cabinet is a mess! Items are tossed in and the door is quickly closed before anything can fall out on the floor. When I'm in search of a storage container, I go through the frustrating chore of searching through piles of plastic to find the right sized item. The search for a matching lid is like running the gauntlet on a Japanese game show... The Tupperware Cabinet is a deep corner cabinet and I'm telling you, one could get lost trying to reach into the back of the thing.

Now, I'm well aware the Tupperware Cabinet didn't become a mess overnight. These things happen over time... One unloads the dishwasher in a rush and rather then nest that large bowl under those smaller bowls, you just toss it on top. Eventually what you've got is Tupperware Jenga.

So I'm in the shower this morning, following my 3 mile walk and subsequent weigh in and I'm thinking to myself... "Self, you've let yourself go, just like that damn Tupperware Cabinet!" One second helping at a time, one bowl of ice cream before bed... It's just like resting the larger bowl on top of the smaller one or tossing that lid where it doesn't belong. The bitch of it is, I could spend 30 minutes and get the Tupperware Cabinet reorganized (and I plan to get to it this week) but it's gonna take a hell of a lot longer to reorganize this body... But I'm working on it. As of today, I've lost 5 lbs.

Here's a link to my I-pod song of the day... I don't know what the hell he's trying to say with these lyrics but it makes for a damn fine tune to pound out a walk.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuEEvH_PAoc

A Foodie Watching Her Figure

Last night I went with a couple of girlfriends to see 'Julie & Julia.'

It's actually the 2nd time I've seen the movie. I saw it first a week ago with a very surly husband. I might add that I don't find movies nearly as enjoyable when the person sitting next to me is experiencing a mental breakdown because they couldn't decide BEFORE the movie started as to whether or not they should've purchased some popcorn.

Last night, with the girls, the movie was even more enjoyable, but for one minor exception... THIS time, I was dieting. Have you SEEN this movie? Butter, Cream Sauces, Cakes and CHOC-O-LATE CREAM PIE! But of all that, nothing and I mean NOTHING brought on my hungry more than the Bruschetta the character Julie makes, early on in the movie.

Last night when I went to bed, I felt like I hadn't eaten in months I was SO FREAKIN' HUNGRY!

Going to see a foodie movie while you're watching what you eat? Well that rates right up there with slathering yourself in syrup and laying on an ant hill.

The Color Project

As last week ended and I looked at the calendar for what this week might hold, I was dismayed to see a long string of nothing, and I mean NOTHING going on. Not one appointment, not one meeting... just crickets chirping.

I know I complain a lot when things get too busy and hectic, but were you also aware that I tend to complain when there's nothing to do? Well of course you did, because by now, I'm sure you've come to the conclusion that I complain about everything!

Anywho, I needn't have despaired because my calendar magically filled up this week and I've been having SO much fun as a result. You see, my friend 'J' whose family has been renting a home for the past couple of years, finally found a place to settle down. I'm so happy they've finally planted some roots here.

So, 'J' and her family are fortunate to have a couple of weeks in which to move everything out of the rental house and their storage unit, into the new place, so the process is WAY less stressful. It's a good thing too, because this way they can have a painter come in and do his job without having to work around a bunch of furniture. And it's a good thing they hired a painter because DAMN! The former owner of this house LOVED her some PINK! We're not talking ANY pink, we're talking PINK-PINK! As in, hand me the Pepto-Bismol honey because I think I'm gonna hurl Pink! The master-bedroom is a 'peachy' pink... The master-bath is a baby girl nursery pink... One of the bedrooms is nipple pink... And then to tone down the pink Corian countertops in the kitchen, the former owners sponged the walls mint green with you guessed it, a pink patterned wallpaper border... This of course flows perfectly into the mint green family room and at the end of the hall you'll find a Carnation Pink powder room.

So my job, and I chose to accept it... Actually I begged for it!... Has been as a color consultant for 'J' and her Pepto-Pink house. On Monday we went through each room cringing and laughing at all that needed to be painted over. With paint chits in hand we struggled to imagine an entire wall painted the color of a 2" swatch... A daunting task, mind you. With notebook in hand, 'J' wrote down colors and corresponding numbers.

On Tuesday, we did a lot more of the same (this is a BIG house, with a MASSIVE open floor plan.) We also came up with a fun paint scheme for her daughter 'H's' room, which I can't wait to get started on.

Yesterday 'J' picked up paint samples from 3 different dealers so we could test the colors on the walls and see if they worked. And I must say, even that was a trial with all that Pink! You have to kind of cup your hands around your eyes and try to focus solely on the block of color on the wall, otherwise the Pink can mottle up the whole look.

Today 'J' meets with the painter to instruct him as to the color choices she's made. I'm both excited and nervous that I've helped steer her in the right direction, with colors she'll be happy with for a long time. One thing you can bet on... None of the colors she chose are even CLOSE to Pink!

The Season of Wretched Excess Draws to a Close

Before someone asks me, "When are you due?" I'm announcing TO-DAY that this is IT! My season of wretched excess has come to a close. I'm putting this out to the universe because I know if I keep something like this bottled up in my head, it's a lot easier for temptation to get the best of me and no one is the wiser... Except for that little nagging imp in my head and she's pretty easy to shut up with a bowl of chocolate ice cream.

SO, today I started a food diary... AGAIN*... And I'm about ready to head out to the store to purchase a new bathroom scale because the one we've got... that fancy digital gadget... it broke about a month after we got it. So I'll just blame all this extra girth on the bathroom scale.............. Nah, I know it's my fault. I know I haven't turned down an extra helping of well, ANYTHING, for the last several months.

Why now? Why today? Because last night as I sat down with a magazine and a generous helping of leftover chocolate cake, every damn article in the magazine was about weight management...
For instance: 'Conquer What You CRAVE'... 'The Mother Load - Sometimes it's hard to solve food issues until you untangle them from Mom issues'... 'Don't Eat Out (Without Reading This)'... And the most obnoxious of all, 'This Is What Happy Looks Like'.

With each bite of my cake I felt a little more guilty, like me sitting down with this magazine, and this portion of cake was in some way a cosmic bitch slap! Okay Universe, I get your point!

This morning I drove to the walking park along with our poor old dog Anna and with my i-pod ear buds firmly implanted in my skull, I drug poor Anna's ass over the nearly 3 mile track, heat, humidity and all. I'm like this the first day with anything... TOTALLY PUMPED! And if I'm not pumped tomorrow or the next day, or the next?... Well, too late, I already put it out to the Universe.

*4 years ago I kept a food diary and lost 30+ pounds. Writing down everything I ate really worked for me.

He of the Million Dollar Mouth

I just wrote a check to the dentist for $780.00

Seems if you get your wisdom teeth out and get your teeth cleaned in the same year? You max out your dental coverage for that year. So when my son had to have 4 cavities filled at, get this, $195.00 EACH!, the bill comes out of our pocket.

Further proof that our kids will be living with us forever because there's NO way they're going to be able pay to take care of their teeth... Of course, if you've ever seen some of the folks who live in our county?... You might come to the understanding that dental health isn't deemed all that important around here.Yep, I think they're going to fit right in.

Worth the Orgasm?

I'm helping out with our towns annual 'Fall Fest'... I've got another meeting today.

*hanging head in despair* Why?... Why?....... Why do I get involved in these things?

I say yes when I'm asked to attend a meeting, while at said meeting, I raise my hand or say I'll help do thus and such and then I go home and figuratively kick myself in the ass repeatedly until the next meeting when I do it all over again. Then I ultimately push my entire life aside to do shit I didn't want to do in the first place.

My friend Rose had the perfect analogy for this situation. She said, "Embe, it's like an orgasm. At the meeting they fill your head with all this, 'Oooo, you're SO talented and SO creative, we need you, we love you!'... It's the orgasm! Then you gotta spend your time giving birth to the project... Carrying it around in your womb, morning sickness, swollen ankles, general all-around discomfort and then, labor and delivery... That's the really HARD part. Ya know, it's really not worth the orgasm when you end up pregnant EVERY goddamn time!"

My friend Rose, she's such a freakin' philsopher.

Ignorance of the law is not a defense...

Yesterday we joined our friends from TNS summer camp for a trip to Rehoboth Beach. This is an activity we've taken part in each August for the last several years. And let me say here, I enjoy the company but the actual sand, heat, bath house grunge and boardwalk thing don't, for me, equal a Good Time.

*I bitch a lot about the opportunities I'm given to go to interesting places, don't I?... I'm sorry, but that's just how it is... I'm a snob when it comes to cleanliness and creature comforts.

I make this trip every year because, like I said before, I enjoy the time spent with nice people... and because extra drivers are a necessity... also, because my kids really enjoy it. Having said that, there was an element to our trip yesterday which wasn't all that enjoyable... Especially for my son... He had another run in with the police. (what is it with that boy?) Oh, I just realized I didn't blog the story of his run in with the law back in March... Long story but the gist is he was picked up an taken to the police station, in the back of a squad car, for sitting blindfolded 10 ft. off the side of a road.... Which ISN'T illegal but when a cop gets a little freaked and you don't answer his questions fast enough, and said cop thinks teenagers are ALL degenerates... Well, that's reason enough to take you down to the station.

Anywho, last night, not 4 minutes after we made our way onto the boardwalk, I look over to see my son standing there with an officer breathing down his neck and an outstretched hand saying, "Give me the laser pointer." Seems my brilliant and light obsessed son was showing off his laser pointer to a few of his friends. He wasn't doing anything as nefarious as aiming the beam into the eyes of oncoming tourists, he was merely shining the light on the nearby dune reeds in order to display the unique patterns that resulted. However, when a cop sees a teen with a laser pointer it MUST be confiscated. It's the LAW! I've been searching the web but I'm hard pressed to find the actual ordinance... However, if a uniformed police officer tells you to hand over an object that is illegal, I guess you don't have much choice but, to do just that, hand it over.

I couldn't help but get involved as I watched my son give the officer his $80 pointer. EIGHTY DOLLARS??? Yes, E-I-G-H-T-Y $$$!!! He bought it with his own money a few months back and yes, I thought it was a stupid purchase but it's his money. So anyhow, I piped up and said, "Bud, isn't that a really expensive item?" And he replied with, "Yes, yes it is, it cost me $80." The officer then turned to me and said, "Are you the parent, I didn't realize he had a parent right here." Like I guess that makes a big difference because it somehow makes the illegal act MY fault... The boy is 19, but yeah, he looks like he's 16, so I guess that makes me responsible. After a brief conversation with the officer about my son knowing to never point his laser pointer at anyone or in anyone's eyes, the officer graciously gave me the laser pointer to 'hold' but kept the batteries. Seems fair right? I mean, my son did break the law... A law which he had NO idea existed but like the title of this post, 'Ignorance of the law is not a defense'... One can still be held accountable for a law broken even though one didn't know it existed.

So here's the rub... And you just knew there was one, right? Turns out, the Rehoboth boardwalk is rife with laser pointers. Seriously, you know that commercial where all the diabetic test strips rain down from the sky, fill the gutters and slip down the sewers? Well, Rehoboth boardwalk is like that with laser pointers. Rehoboth boardwalk is the freakin' Katrina of laser pointers. For a town with an ordinance to BAN laser pointers, they're sure liberal with handing them out. I watched to 30 something year old guys play an arcade game which awarded them BOTH a laser pointer in a matter of 3 minutes... And what did they do when the machine spat out their prizes? Well of course they opened them up, popped in the batteries and trained their beams on one another and the arcade walls around them. While walking down the boardwalk I got hit with so many red and green beams of light, I might as well have been playing laser tag... But where are the cops then?

So let this be a lesson to you folks... Life, it's just not fair and sometimes it's just plain inappropriate, like the parents we watched, who stopped and paid the henna vendor to create a design on the lower back of their 8'ish year old daughter... That's right, a 'Tramp Stamp' on a girl who isn't even out of grade school! When she's 10 maybe her mommy will buy her a stripper pole. Perhaps that's who the officer should've been reprimanding.

F#@&ing laser pointer!

Cracked

My husbands cousin was in town on business and professed a desire to see The Liberty Bell. Now I'm gonna let you all in on a little secret here... I despise Philadelphia. If you've ever been there, you most likely know why... If you haven't? Well, let's just say 'The City of Brotherly Love' is a misnomer.

However, I'm an amiable kind of gal so a quick drive north to see an overrated piece of American history, for a favorite cousin, wasn't too tall of an order. Traffic was actually pretty sparse and the GPS helped me locate the historical district without incident.

We were however, a bit confused as to exactly where we needed to go to actually see the bell. So we waited an interminably long time to speak with a very chatty park ranger. 'Ranger Rick' gave us directions but informed us that the queue would be interrupted by a visiting VIP between noon and 2:00pm. I stated we were VIP's but 'Ranger Rick' didn't miss a beat and stated that yes, we were and as such, other, less notable, historical landmarks were awaiting us. Ever hopeful we'd get to glimpse the 'bell' before the forced closure we trekked across the street, only to meet up with a line which surely wasn't about to move fast enough for us to see anything more than a lengthy wait in the summer sun, before they closed everything up for the VIP.

Who was this mysterious 'Vacation Crasher'?

We decided to ride the 'Duck Tour'... An amphibious vehicle which takes you around the city and on to the Delaware River... And NO, I didn't do the Macarena, but I did blow on the duck billed kazoo like trinket the tour bestows on all its passengers. Note: Pictured here is neither myself, nor my cousin. Found this via Google search.

Side note: Somewhere, right now, there are mother's of kids who took the tour that are either screaming, "For GOD SAKES, quit blowing on that thing!" or they've already ripped the duck bill out of their child's mouth and have smashed it into a hundred pieces under their shoe.

On the Duck Tour, we saw some lovely historical landmarks whizz by at 10-15 mph... We also bore witness to a hairy bare ass, when some clown mooned us along the riverfront... Awww Philly, just another reason to love ya... Um yeah, so following the tour, it was evident the VIP(s) were making their entrance because streets were closed down and the line for the Liberty Bell viewing had magically disappeared. Unimpressed by VIP's who'd spoiled our plans we wove our way through the gawkers and hoofed it down to South Street, where we had a relaxing lunch. An hour or so later, when we got back to 'Liberty Place', the cops had gone and the line to see that damndable defective bell had increased by roughly 500 people? 700 people? a 1,000 people? It was hard to tell because the 1/2 mile queue wrapped around itself.... Great, juuuuuuust Great. We decided to pack it in, pay our $16.25 parking fee and head home. Nice picture eh? Had to find it through Google image search because we didn't get anywhere near the damn thing.

But! Just WHO was that VIP? None other than Michelle Obama along with Malia & Sasha. How lovely that she could share a bit of American history with her girls after a 130 mile drive on the taxpayers dollar, during the height of the summer tourist season... Oh well, guess that's what it's like to lead a life of privilege.

*My thanks to Chris for his thought provoking comments on this post.