Post-Halloween Wrap-Up

So Halloween was kind of a bust.

We had a few trick-or-treaters, a few of the really cute little ones who show up in the early part of the evening and are either frightened of the whole idea of accepting candy from strangers OR are ready to walk into your house and check to see if you have anything cool to play with.

However, just as Halloween 'officially' got itself underway, the heavens opened and it rained monsoon style. You know what that means don't you? Yep! A big-ass bowl of Halloween candy is currently sitting on my kitchen counter. Talk about runnin' with the devil!

Anyway, Halloween wasn't a complete wash. We had our friends over for a pizza party and some pool. The best conversation topic of the evening was, "If I were 'hot' what slutty costume would I wear?" Seeing as there's a monstrous bowl of candy currently residing nearby, it's safe to say there are no slutty costumes in my future.

Here are a few of the costumes we came up with, can you think of any others:
slutty nurse
slutty maid
slutty cheerleader
slutty witch
slutty fairy
slutty pirate
slutty bunny (I especially liked the way the title of this one rolls of the tongue.)

We had completely forgotten about 'slutty teenager' until my husband and I went shopping yesterday and saw a group of girls wearing THE.... SHORTEST.... SHORTS, I've witnessed since high school, when in 1982 the students in our school staged a sit-in (so 1960's) over the banning of 'Sex Wax T-shirts' and 'Dolphin Shorts' (anyone remember these?)
Now considered part of the Official uniform of the 'Hooters' waitress. So yeah, don't forget the 'slutty teenager' costumes. Oh, and I guess 'slutty waitress' should also be added to the list.

She's My Abbott

I know I've mentioned my dear friend 'Atlanta Rose' on other occassions but today I'd like to dedicate this post exclusively to her... But you know, the 2 or 3 of you out there should feel free to read along.

I've known Rose since, Oh jeez, 1989.... Freakin' 20 years Rose, can you believe it?
Anyway, if I had to describe our friendship I'd have to say that she's the Laurel to my Hardy or the Abbott to my Costello... In a nut-shell, she's my straight man and even though she sets me up for the good lines she's also funny as hell.

Yesterday she dedicated a very sweet blog post to me, which you can find here (Um, you might want to go check this out so the latter part of this post will make sense.)... And today I'm going to reciprocate in the best, most loving way I know how. But first you should know that Rose is one of the most creative and amazingly talented people I know. Got a piece of shit? With a wave of her magical fingers, she can turn that thing into Shine-ola! And she'll achieve this fete with the loose change found in your sofa.

Seriously, Rose is the only person I know who can find a piece of crap at Goodwill and turn it into something featured in Better Homes & Gardens magazine. Not to mention the yard sale finds and dumpster diving prizes she transformed. Quite simply I'm in awe of her talent and when she shares her beautiful designs with me I respond in kind.

When she sent me gorgeous pics of her fall decor:

I responded with a pic of my own efforts:

So Rose, dear friend, This is for YOU!

Oh hello Rose... So glad you could make it for lunch.
Um, I'm sorry I'm not very prepared... Here, let me clear the newspapers off the table... Oh, and you caught me in the middle of doing my math homework... It'll just take me a sec to clear this...


Wha? You don't mind? Oh good, okay, I'll just leave it here and we'll eat around it. Gee thanks Rose, for understanding. You know I don't like to do any more work than I HAVE to.

So, I bet your hungry... Hmmmm, let's see what I've got in the pantry here? OH, these are good!


Um, that is, IF I'd put a chip clip on them... Actually, they're pretty stale... DAMN! Well, let's see what else there is to gnaw on? Hey, these are one of my favorite snacks and so low in carbs... And hey look, never been opened, that means they're FRE-ESH... Want one?
No? Okay... Here we go... Now here's another favorite low carb treat and look teeny-tiny spoons, so it leaves you believing there's so MUCH more to eat than there actually is!
Not really you say? You're just thirsty? Oh, okay... Take a look at how lovely the water looks in my fancy stemware... And just to class it up a bit, I've got a lemon to slice up... Um, wait... This here lemon looks a little worse for wear. Jeez, not sure how long this bad boy has been in my crisper drawer.
Tell you what... I've got a GREAT idea! How 'bout we just go out? There's a 'Chili's' less than a mile from here, whaddya think? My TREAT!

YEAH, that's what I'm talkin' about... And that there lemon/orange slice? That looks fresh, dontcha think? Now, how 'bout an Onion Blossom and one of these...
With 2 spoons of course! Oh What the Hell, let's EACH order one! You know what they said about the ladies on the Titanic choosing to pass on the dessert? And lord knows my van could very well hit an iceberg on the way home so DIG IN!

'Cause this made me laugh...

And laughing with braces isn't easy... My lips get caught on the wires.

Sinister Snow People

When my son was a very wee lad, his dad decided to create a very special surprise for him. It was a snowy evening, one of the first my son would remember, though not quite the way my husband intended him to remember it. You see, my husband had the wonderful idea to create a snowman for his son, not just any snowman, a SURPRISE snowman!

While my son played away in the family room, my husband spent a good half-hour on the deck creating a 5 1/2 foot tall snowman. He gave it gum ball seed eyes, a carrot nose, a large smile, twigs for arms and a jaunty hat. He placed his creation just outside our kitchen window. When his surprise was completed, he had me carry Zak over to the kitchen window as he stood outside and pointed out the new friend. The problem? Dad didn't anticipate, actually neither of us anticipated the reaction we received because when Zak saw Dad's surprise, he screamed in terror and not so much flew into my arms but launched his entire body over my shoulder and nearly down my back. I think he cried for the next hour and it was days before he would go anywhere near the kitchen window again, despite the fact we took him outside to show him the stranger was simply made of snow.

Did Dad's surprise have a lasting effect? You bet, our son was afraid of windows at night for at least the next 7-10 years. His greatest fear is still home invasion. My guess this all has something to do with the gift his dad created for him when he was small. Poor Dad, how could he have known?

Tonight, my daughter tried to get him back with THIS surprise:


Isn't she lovely? I think it's a she.


Did my daughter manage to scare her Dad? Well no, but he DID have a good laugh and we were sure to put my son at ease before we led him over to the window.

Excellent Weight Loss Routine

For those of you who are searching for a NO FAIL weight loss routine... The answer is RIGHT HERE at The Paper Treehouse (whodathunk?)

This is all you need:

• A full length mirror - A large mirror will do. I don't happen to have a full length mirror but I DO have a mirror that covers nearly an entire wall over the counter in my bathroom.

• A chair - Place the chair in front of the mirror. I didn't need a chair, I used the bathroom counter.

• Strip down to your birthday suit - Yes, this means 'Get Naked'

• Now lean against the chair or the counter, allowing all manner of gut and girth to hang loosely. Once you've assumed this position, look into the mirror.

Trust me, you'll never want to eat again!

Addendum: If you do feel the urge to succumb to any fat or calorie laden food, simply use your powers of recollection to bring to mind the above exercise.

P.S. That money you were going to waste at the gym? Just send it to me.

Things to do...

Wonderin' why you haven't seen much goin' on at the treehouse lately?.....
I'm busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest!

And today, TODAY, I have to detour over to the ol' MVA (that's the Maryland Motor Vehicle Admin. for you outta towners) and renew my drivers license. Oh yeah me!

I've considered seeing if I could pull a fast one on the ever cheerful DMV employee* and inform her my weight is a mere 125 lbs. but I wouldn't want her to hurt herself laughing (um yeah, like that could happen, I've never seen these people so much as smirk.) So I'm instead considering the notion of listing my weight at 350 lbs. so in case I ever get pulled over the officer will take one look at me and say, "Damn woman, you look gooood!" I'd find that much more preferable than leaving him with the impression I'd completely gone to pot!

Off to the races!



*Hi, I'm this years VP of the National Sarcasm Society, like we need your support.

"Hi! I'm Phil, What's your name?"

This weekend my daughter coerced me into joining her and a group of friends, for a trip to the Maryland Renaissance Festival... Last year around this time we attended the 'Festival' for the first time. I wasn't that impressed, but my daughter LOVED IT! She saved her pennies for an entire year to have a period dress made and to buy one of these.

So she had a great time. While I did enjoyed the time spent with friends, I loathed, the dirt, the ruthless uncomfortable benches (which are the only available seating), the port-o'-poties, but most of all I despise the crowds. I should note that you wouldn't believe there was a recession in the works by the number of people (for lack of a better term) 'pissing' their money away at 'The Festival'... The line for the ATMs alone was mind-boggling.

So back to the crowds of people...
When it came time to leave the park, (we stayed there until closing) the mass exodus in the parking lot was a logistical nightmare. Lines of cars sat idling virtually everywhere throughout the field designated for parking. My hearts desire was to reach my car at the far end of 'East Jabip' so that I might at last rest my backside on a comfortable seat with a back on it. In order to expedite the process, my daughter and I worked our way through the traffic jam at an angle in the direction of our vehicle... In a kind of 'As the crow flies' manner, separating ourselves from the rest of our group. As we were weaving our way through long lines of cars I heard a voice call out from behind me, "Hey, what's your name? My name is ??il!" I continued walking but then heard it again, "Hi, my name is ??il, what's your name?" So this time I turned around and saw a guy, roughly 20-something, sitting on the hood of a car, along with a guy behind the wheel, waiting in a stream of vehicles that weren't moving and weren't about to start moving any time within the next millenium. When I turned I pointed to myself and said, "Are you talking to me?" To which he replied, "Yeah, what's your name, my name is ??il!" I told him my name and then he said, "Hi Margie, I'm ??il!" Then he pointed to my daughter and said, "And what's her name?" I said, "That's Sarah." and he replied with, "Hi Sarah, my name is ??il!"

I have to admit I was struck by how odd this guy was, shouting across cars in an attempt to greet people, but I guess a little charmed too. So I asked him, "Did you say your name was Bill?" He said, "No, it's Phil." Then I said, "So Phil, what's up, are you just taking advantage of this opportunity to meet people? He replied with, "Yep, that's exactly what I'm doing!" So I walked the 20 or so paces back over to him, stuck my hand out and said, "Hi Phil, it's really nice to meet you!" A big smile spread across his face and he replied, "And Sarah it's really nice to meet you too!" So of course I replied, "Nope, I'm Margie." I pointed to my daughter and said, "She's Sarah." He chuckled and said, "Oh sorry, nice to meet you Margie."

Phil, probably forgot my name again before his car even exited the park, but it was a rather pleasant exchange. Later as our group sat together in the van, waiting for the traffic to dissipate, my daughter asked me to tell the others about Phil. After I shared the story one of the kids we were with asked quite puzzled, "Why do you think he was doing that?" I told him that Phil was most likely making the best of an unpleasant situation by taking the opportunity to meet new people. Then I added rather humorously, "Plus, I think he thought I was hot!" That's when another kid from our group began laughing. I smiled and looked at him and said, "You're laughing a little too hard there Mike!" He tried to apologize while trying to suppress his guffaws. That's when I informed Mike that he would be walking home. Well not really, but when he stepped out of the van for a few minutes, I locked all the doors, so that when he returned I could watch him squirm a little bit.

So yeah, I guess the 'Ren Fest' wasn't ALL that bad.

Dear 10 yr. old Self... (Writers Workshop Wednesday)

Dear 10 yr. old Self,

Burt Eaton is a dork! Don't waste your time trying to get him to like you.

Love,
M-

P.S. I know you're going to find this hard to believe, but someday you're going to enjoy playing the piano.

*Join in on Writer's Workshop Wednesday here.

This you won't want to miss...

Okay, maybe I'm just really tired (Got my beach on yesterday with a group of friends and didn't get home until 2:30 am, then the girl child had an ortho appointment with Dr. Fabulous first thing this morning)... and maybe I'm just punch drunk now, but after viewing the site Cake Wrecks, I not only have duplicate streams of mascara tracks trailing down my cheeks, I also have a runny nose and aching abs... Yes, I laughed that hard.

I'd like to dedicate this post to both Whiskeymarie, 'cause you know, she bakes and stuff... And to Jon, because I appreciate his sense of humor and I think this is right up his alley, especially THIS post.

If you've got the time, check out the entire site. If not, be sure not to miss THIS gem.

And EVERYBODY Danced...

I'm adding this post to Candid Carrie's Friday Foto Fiesta... Check out the fun here.

Folks, I'm gonna milk the wedding we attended for all the blog fodder it's worth. So if you keep coming back here and find more pics and more material, well sorry, I don't get out much and when I do, well, I pretty much can't stop talking about it.

The venue for the wedding reception was fabulous by Lancaster, Pennsylvania standards... I guess I really shouldn't be slamming a place I'm not very familiar with... However, we're talking about Amish Country here, not exactly the entertainment capital of the world, unless you're into Outlet Malls. So please forgive me for being critical. The reception was held at the Eden Resort. Here's a picture of the room (should I even call it that?) where the reception took place.


It really was a stunning venue... However, my VERY favorite part of the evening, besides all the shmaltzy wedding stuff, which gets me weepy every time, was when we spied the waiters getting their groove on. They appeared to be having such a wonderful time that my daughter caught this little moment with the video setting on her camera.

Allow me to set the scene: A group of the waiters enjoying the DJ, begin showing one another their 'moves', the rest, as it plays out is pretty self-explanatory.



We showed the guys the video and they laughed hysterically at themselves. We informed them we were gonna post the video on You Tube and they all said, "Heck ya, Do it!" So here you go guys, now you're famous... In this little corner of blog world anyway.

Like a discarded ladder in the fast lane - I'm trying to start a traffic jam

Today, Christy pointed the way to an interesting site...



"A site/blog started by Heather from Mindless Junque, and Tiffany from The Romero Diaries to help create a circle of mommy blogging supporters. If you send them three of your best posts, they will feature your blog to help you get more traffic."

You see, I'm finally willing to admit...
(Side note to husband... Yes dear, I'm coming clean)
That I am indeed addicted to blogging. I'm also freely willing to admit that I can and will do whatever I can to expose the world to my blogging, bloggery abilities of blogishness.*

I don't really consider myself a 'Mommy Blogger' per se. I haven't thought of myself as a 'Mommy Anything' for quite a long while... C'mon, with kids the ages 15 and 18, I'm just 'Mom' and sometimes just 'Hey!' So that's it, maybe that's what I'll call myself... 'Margie, the Hey-Mom Blogger of The Paper Treehouse'

To my loyal readers, all 3,4,5 of you... How many are there of you now? Raise your hand and be counted! If you're interested in connecting to more incredible bloggers I urge you to check out SITS.


*Yes I intended for that line to infer I know a wee bit more than squat, about that which is known as 'blogging'.

6 Words - Illustrated

New tag...

My Memoir in 6 Words:

Fending off dementia while eating chocolate!

I've been called out... My first TAG!

The other day my husband told me I have a disease...
What kind of disease you ask? It's called: Cryptoscopophilia
Not to worry, it's not fatal or anything. It simply means I have an urge to look through the windows of homes I walk past. I wouldn't say I'm a peeping tom or anything and if you're suddenly feeling the urge to draw your drapes, well, I understand. The thing is, I'm just curious, that's all. Curious to get a glimpse into someone else's world. Perhaps that's why I also enjoy reading tags. Just like Christy, who tagged me said, "I love reading facts about other people." So, I guess I'd like to say thanks Christy for giving me the opportunity to open my drapes a little wider and allow any other fellow 'Cryptoscopophiliacs' out there, a chance to peek in my windows... Figuratively, that is.

What were you doing 5 years ago?

Five years ago we were in the midst of trying to sell our home. Always a daunting task. Especially so, when you own one of the few houses in the neighborhood without central a/c. It should also be noted that any house you sell will never look better than the day you sell it. All those nagging little home improvement tasks which are put off time and again, are at last checked off the 'to do' list in hopes your home will sell for far more than you paid for it. The freshly painted rooms, the plush new carpeting, the brightly polished fixtures? All briefly enjoyed by you until the new owners take possession. Depressing? yes! However, you're hoping that at the same time the owners of the house you're preparing to purchase are just as disappointed they won't have the opportunity to bask in the perfection that is going to be your new home.

What are/were 5 things on your to-do list today?

Gee, I'd like to say I had a host of important things to take care of which would give the reader the impression as to how indispensable I am.... However, it's a Sunday, my family is currently visiting my Mother-in-law and we attended a family graduation party, so my to-do list included such important tasks as...

• bathing myself (success!)

• getting my kids to drag their lazy butts out of bed (eventual success)

• styling my daughters hair (family event, calls for helping her look her finest!)

• remembering my camera AND the graduation gift (check!)

• visiting & eating... eating & visiting (tough work, but somebody's gotta do it!)

What 5 snacks do you enjoy?

Wow, eerie... Wasn't I just talking about eating in the previous question? First let me explain, there's the diabetic me and the not so very disciplined me... So let me give you a sample of each.

Diabetic me:
bananas
pecans
low carb yogurt
string cheese
dark chocolate (lowers the blood sugar... Yes, it REALLY does!)

Serious lack of discipline me:
ice cream sandwich
chocolate chip cookies
bread (any kind, toasted and with butter!)
cake (chocolate, but any kind will do!)
dark chocolate (eat too much, doesn't really help control the ol' blood sugar.)

Why is it so much easier to come up with lack of discipline items than diabetic?

What 5 things would you do if you were a billionaire?

No question, I would help my friend start her dream, the Omnia Humanitas Project.

This project encompasses so many different aspects of helping people I think it includes at LEAST 5 things I could put both fiscal and physical energy towards.

What are 5 of your bad habits?

• I'm a control freak.

• I'm overly critical of people. Especially those in whom I sense weaknesses I know, I too, possess.

• I lack self-discipline

• I'm impatient

• Spend too much time worrying about what others think of me. Probably because of that second item.

What are 5 places you've lived?

• Santa Clarity Valley, California (several locations in this area)

• Western Springs (Chicago suburb), Illinois (for a couple of summers)

• Wilmington, Delaware

• Elkton, Maryland

• Can I add that I hope to live near the water someday?... Beach, Lake, River, doesn't matter.

What are 5 jobs you've had?

• Sold shoes (Payless type store, first job!)

• Slung taco's (Taco Bell, worst job EVER! Got fired because I wouldn't work with Strep throat!)

• Dished donuts (2nd worst job EVER! Smelled like grease & cigarettes when I got off work.)

• Developed Dental X-rays (First REAL job! Worked my way up from back office to office manager... Took x-rays on Angie Dickinson, Kim Fields, Shannen Doherty & Johnny Mathis)

• Built airplanes... Okay, I didn't actually touch 'said' airplane. I did however work in the aerospace industry and did everything from file, perform secretarial duties, work in the travel dept.... To eventually work on a state of the art typesetting system (a complex $150,000 machine which with a great deal of training allowed me to do pretty much the same thing I'm doing right now... Yes, I'm THAT old! But I like to think technology is just moving incredibly FAST!)

What 5 people do you want to tag?

Listen, I'd love to tag 5 people RIGHT NOW, but just now getting my lap-top up and running after having lost many of my blog links along with photos, documents and other precious stuff, I'll have to wait and post this particular answer at another time. :-(

But I Feel Fine...

There's a portion of road in the town I live in that travels right through the heart of what I like to refer to as 'Mayberry RFD'... The speed limit through this particular area is a painstaking crawl of 25 mph and it's strictly enforced. Along this stretch of road are some of the most beautiful Victorian Manor homes I've ever seen, which I guess alleviates some of the hassle of the slow drive.

Along the route to my home I pass a grand old Funeral Home, it's housed in the largest Victorian of them all. As I passed the home today, (crawling along behind a county truck who took the 25 mph speed limit presumably so much to heart, the driver decided not to top 20) I noticed 3 men standing in front of the funeral home in their standard issue dark suits affixed with name badges. They were quite obviously preparing for the next gathering of grieving family and friends. Side note here, I don't have much use for the funeral industry. Books I've read lead me to believe the majority prey on the emotions of their clients for profit. As for me, freeze dry my body, break it into pieces and use it to fertilize a tree or something... On second thought I've never been very good with plants, so just incinerate me and let the ashes fall where they may... I'll be dead, trust me, I won't care.

So back to the purpose of this post... As I'm crawling along in my car one of the funeral directors makes eye contact with me (YES, I was going THAT slow!)... It was the creepiest look EVER and it didn't help matters any that I was returning home from a doctor's appointment. I'd swear the only way to interpret the look this man, in his black suit and badge gave me was, "You're next!" or "See you soon!" or "I've got my eye on you!" or "Stop on in, I've got a sweet deal for you on the 'Meet Your Maker' package." The latter proposed in a very dour, ominous, prepare to meet your doom kind of way.... I wanted to shout out, "No REALLY, I feel FINE!"

Open House

Newest property on the block now available.
Start your nest egg here.
Others will be flocking to this stylishly decorated
1 bedroom abode.
Fly on in and check it out.

This lovely birdhouse, designed, stained and displayed on a very high tree, by my husband and daughter, as their weekend project. We can't wait to get pictures of the new habitants. We'll be sure to post pics once they take up residence.

Coming To A Mall Near You?

Yes, I love theater... I feel a bit embarrassed for the performers but c'mon, that's part of the joy I guess, is putting yourself out there for either ridicule or applause.

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

Renaissance

FYI: Pulling out old photos because my pretty little laptop had a major 'MF'ing Vista' meltdown this morning (thanks for that Mr. Gates, and to think I used to stick up for you when others called you a money grubbing dork!)... I Believe I've lost EVERYTHING, all my bookmarks, all my recent photos... Good thing I got old reliable 'Bessy' here on my office desk.

Yes, I went to 'The Fair'... No, I'm not terribly proud of it... But how cool does this guy look?


And even though my husband was less then impressed with all things medieval, he didn't seem to mind gaping at wenches who looked like this.

The Name is Al... Al Dente

Meet my buddy Al, Al Dente... I got him for Christmas and like any true sicilian he knows when the pasta is cooked to perfection. Seems Al crossed the wrong don and as a result, the family cemented his legs in a barrel. Plunge him into boiling water along with the pasta and when it's ready Al starts playing italian opera tunes, with which I can hum along... 3 different tunes, 3 different variations of cooked noodle... Hey, it beats throwing the pasta against the wall to see if it'll stick!

Al makes me feel like a cross between Tony Soprano and Giada De Laurentiis


Though in a look-alike contest, folks would most likely refer to me as "Hey Tony!"

Massacre at Snowman Corral... OR... Frosty's Gone Postal*

It's that time of year again, the season of giant parachutes collapsed in brightly colored heaps on the front lawns of suburbia.

I'm no scrooge, I enjoy the self expression of the holidays as it pertains to both the interior and the exterior of a home... But c'mon folks... Have you any idea whatsoever as to how white trash, a series of giant deflated characters littered across your lawn appear? When I'm witness to such carnage, the following conversation comes to mind... "Sorry neighbor, my garbage must of tipped over with the wind last night and blew across your yard. As you can plainly see we had Christmas Elf with a side of Rudolph for dinner last night... Here, just let me clear those carcasses for ya!"

I passed a home in our neighborhood this morning with not just one, not two, not three but FOUR giant deflated snowmen littered across the lawn. It looked like mortal combat had ensued during the midnight hour, the frost upon the grass appearing as the over spray of bodily fluids, from Frosty and his enemies. Kids shouldn't be witness to such horror... Hell, I can scarcely stomach it before breakfast.

Starting today, here and now... I'd like to start a petition to put an end to the violence. NO MORE DEAD INFLATABLES!... IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS DECENT AND IN PRESERVATION OF GAYLY COLORED PARACHUTE FABRIC EVERYWHERE... FOR GOD'S SAKE, STOP THE MADNESS... IF NOT FOR YOU, DO IT FOR FROSTY!

*This ad paid for by a generous grant from the society for the preservation of decent holiday decor.

Ode to a Dying Curling Iron (*and yes, I'm 43 yrs. old and I still use a curling iron!)

Yesterday there were no signs of your impending demise. You were one HOT rod!

Today, with the first curl I knew something was terribly wrong... No heat, but surely I turned you on?

Yet, as I carefully lifted you from the counter for closer inspection your light began to glow... Hope, glorious hope that all was well... Only to have you reveal that your light was sputtering and fading.

C'mon, not today... I have places to go, people to see!

I lay you down gently and your light flickers on... YES! One good curl... I gently lay you down again, turning your body gingerly so as to catch the blessed flicker... YES! Two good curls. We continue this dance, each time I finish a curl and allow your body to rest once more, you become more dim. I complete the much needed 5th and last curl before your light dims once more. I gently unplug you and cover your aged body with a hand towel (no not really, but I'm going with a theme here.)

Rest in peace dear curling iron.

Now I must add a trip to Wal-Mart into my travels today, so I can start up a whole new relationship... One with lots of bouncy ~~~~~~~curls!