Happy Halloween

My husband is working from home today.

The majority of my morning was spent picking up the house and knocking out a general To-Do List. While I was in the middle of vacuuming he came downstairs and extended the offer to take me out to lunch. I looked at him and said, "Looking like this?" Sweeping my arms wide so he could get the full effect of my current state of beautification. I hadn't showered yet, was wearing an old pair of sweat pants and a ratty shirt. What was left of yesterday's make-up was barely clinging to my face and I still had my hair in the pony-tail I'd thrown it up in before bed last night. He replied with, "Yeah, you look HOT!" I know very well he didn't mean the Paris Hilton kind of Hot but rather the 'You've been working hard and seem to be breaking a sweat, kind of Hot. I stopped, thought for a moment about not having to make lunch and figured, "What the hell, it's Halloween, I'll go to lunch dressed as a maid."I think everyone I ran into was really impressed with the authenticity of my costume.

Movie Madness

*Two posts in ONE day?

Both of my kids are home sick today with the 'Creeping Crud' head cold, which has been running rampant in these parts. I'm crossing my fingers I'm not next.

ANYway, I had this bright idea... I thought, "What a perfect day to watch 'The 6th Sense' together." We'd been talking about the movie recently, which they've never seen... And since it's nearly Halloween, I figured it was a perfect day to lay low, fix a crock-pot meal and watch a primo psychological thriller.

Since neither myself OR my kids really enjoy being scared, obviously, the best time to watch a scary movie, has to be the middle of the day. I was willing to bet we could all handle that kind of scary... And since I've seen '6th Sense' a few times, I'd know when to point out the parts it's best to cover your eyes, or at least watch between spread fingers. See, I wasn't kidding when I said we're all horror movie wusses.

To carry out our day of comfort food and video fun, I put together a grocery list and headed to the grocers closest to Blockbuster. I haven't walked into a Blockbuster in at least a year and a half but man, THEY DON'T HAVE CRAP! Or to put it more accurately... All they had was CRAP!

I walked in, searched high and low on every shelf and not wanting to interrupt the phone conversation the employee at the front desk was busy with... I searched... and I Searched... and I SEARCHED! Finally I approached Mr. Blockbuster Employee, who I'm sure had abso-freakin'-lutely nothing better to do than chat on the phone because I was probably the first customer to enter the shop since the conception of Net-Flix.

Long story short... BLOCKBUSTER didn't have 'The 6th Sense'?????????? Are you freakin' kidding me? They had 'Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang' (Old movie about a car... NOT Porno, Jon!) but NOT 'The 6th Sense'... And it wasn't like they didn't have it because someone had rented it... They just DIDN'T HAVE IT!? So I left the shop so the employee could get back to his 'important' phone conversation.

Since the 'Wal-Mart Super-Store' is just across the highway from Blockbuster, I decided I'd just spend a couple extra bucks and BUY the movie there. I declined the sticker the 'Wal-Mart' greeter offered me at the front door, but I did manage to give her a little smile and say Hi. I immediately wound my way to the very back of the store to locate the video, buy it and get home.

Because a trip to the 'Wal-Mart wouldn't be complete without extra aggravation, there was a guy at the $13 rack of videos blocking my view. Gratefully, when he realized this, he apologized and stepped aside. I asked him if he'd happened to see '6th Sense' anywhere on the rack... Nope! So I wound my way over to a display emblazoned with the title 'Halloween Movies'... '6th Sense' there?... You'd think, but you'd be wrong!

At this point I broke down and decided to ask an employee for assistance, which at Wal-Mart likely involves trying to converse with someone who has a favorite seat at the back of the 'short bus.' Never one to disappoint, 'Wal-mart' came through with employees 'Brenda' a massive girl, who I'm quite sure had at least one parent related to Mr. Ed... & 'Dillon' a guy with a ring through his nose, huge holes in both ears and an vacant expression on his face, thereby cementing the impression that the holes in his face and ears were equal to the hole in his head.

Brenda & Dillon attempted to help me find the movie. I say 'Attempted' because they pretty much looked at each other and said in unison, "I don't know?, I don't think we have it?, Have you seen it? Do you think we have it?" Dillon looked on the shelf I had recently spent the last 15 min. scouring and then said (and I'll never forgive him for this), "You know, we DID have a few copies that I threw in the $5 bin last week, so they'd be in there, probably somewhere in the middle." I looked over at the $5 bin of videos... It was absolutely overflowing with crap-ass movies, but at this point I was on a mission!

I had a brief flash of gullible when I thought Dillon was following me over to the $5 bin to help look, but I laugh at myself now for even considering the idea. I'll spare you the gory details of my 40 min. search through video hell... I'm sure you've already guessed it WASN'T in the bin... Because, If it was there, I'd be sitting on the couch between my two sick kids, with fingers laced across my eyes, watching Cole's breath hang in the frigid air.

Dance like no one is watching...

I had to drive across town for bloodwork this morning and on my drive home I passed a young girl (roughly 10 or 12 yrs. old), waiting for the bus. She was spinning wildly and dancing with complete abandon. She may have just been trying to keep warm but she made me smile.
She made me want to get out of the car and start dancing too, completely without a care as to who might be watching.

Right?!

The boy and I have been getting along fabulously lately. We converse, we discuss, we debate topics the likes of -

"Have you eaten?" (He's 6'1", 120 something lbs. and he forgets to eat, it's an issue!)

"Yes, I'm quite sure you DO need a new laptop, have you considered that job thing we talked about?"

And

"I'm not sure why your sister treats you like dirt. Do you really want to drag me in the middle of that again? Don't you think it would be better to work this out with her?"

I call attention to these discussions because I have the annoying habit of ending each of them with "Right?" Sometimes I'll phrase it in other ways, such as, "Don't you think I'm right?"... "C'mon, you know I'm right!"... "You know what I mean, Right?"

Part of my current studies over the last 10 months have included Inter-Personal Relationships and the study of the Art of the Dialectic... Which is fancy talk for 'How to converse well.' It's interesting to note, that the person doing the talking, controls the conversation. Yet, the person who replies with a question regains control.

Therefore, when I'm talking with my son, with whom I'm trying to achieve an Adult/Adult relationship, as opposed to a Parent/Child relationship (see the book, 'I'm Okay, You're Okay' by, Thomas A. Harris, MD.) I simply MUST learn to refrain from trying to maintain control......

Right?!

7 Random Things

I've been tagged by Katy over at 'Whatever' and am struggling to come up with 7 random things about me... Turns out I'm not quite so 'Random' afterall as Katy and I have a lot of things in common... Except that 'Finger & Toenail' thing 'cause that's just Ewwww!... And I don't think I ever desired to be a coroner *shudder*... And Rubber Cement, okay... But gasoline? unh-uh! And hey, Black Licorice, LOVE IT! So okay, maybe we don't have all that much in common but when it comes to toilet paper it must always lay OVER THE TOP! And yes, PB&J's are definitly an art, heaven forbid if the jelly soaks into the bread. And cooking dinner, while I don't think it's all that random, I'm ALWAYS in favor of eating out.

So here you go... 7 Random Things About Me:

1. I'm an 'Air Typer'... You've heard of playing 'Air Guitar' right? Well, I often type what people are saying when they talk. I'm not at all obvious about it, that would be rude! I just can't keep my fingers from flinching ever so slightly, hitting imaginary keys. I guess I'm just a frustrated court reporter.
   
2. I have a hand-held Tetris game in the bathroom. I'm embarrassed to admit, I sometimes play it until my legs fall asleep.
3. I'm a photography blog addict. I surf the net for photography blogs (mostly wedding photographers, see here and here and also here for some of my favorites.) for inspiration. I'd dearly love to be a professional photographer but doubt I could handle the pressure of not screwing up someones special day with crappy pictures, a dead battery or blurred vision.
4. I wouldn't call it 'Road Rage' but I curse a lot when I'm behind the wheel. I don't drive aggressively, I just tend to have one-sided conversations with idiots I encounter on the road. My daughter refers to my van as 'The Curse-Mobile' (I really had no idea I was that bad until she informed my Mother-in-law of my vehicles moniker.) I should add *as I knock on wood*, I've never had a ticket nor an accident... *still knocking on wood*
5. I make the world's best chocolate chip cookies, YES, from SCRATCH! I make them for social events at my kids school and folks cheer when they see me coming with a basket full of freshly baked cookies. They're just made with the 'Tollhouse' recipe but they always have the perfect ratio of soft vs. chewy.
6. I LOVE creating beautifully wrapped packages... I am a wrapping paper freak. If I see a pattern of paper I like, I'll start to imagine how it will look wrapped around a gift I haven't even purchased yet. I collect all types of ribbon and embellishments for fancy gift-wrapping. I go nuts over a handsome sturdy box. Seriously, it's an illness!
7. I like to mow the lawn. I have ever since my kids were small. I considered drowning myself in the noise of the mower my sanity time. Don't worry, my kids were being tended by my husband. To this day I still like mowing because it provides a good work-out and there's just something fulfilling about watching rows of unruly long grass become clean-cut and well groomed.

So here's 7 random things... yep, pretty random I think... I guess now I'm supposed to tag 7 new people... So here's to passing the torch or randomness.

Amy - Perhaps this'll get you blogging again.
Carrie - Can you take a break from all that exercise?
Stacie - Put down the running shoes and give me seven!
Jon - Oh, who am I kidding... You're probably much too kickass for this little exercise.
Scargosun - Don't know where the text for your blog went but perhaps you'd like to play along?
Whiskeymarie - I know the paint is bubbling up again but c'mon, give a little?
Mama's Losin' It - And she's gotta be the busiest blogger I've come across but perhaps she'll have a moment to share?

The Summer Of Gluttony

It was inevitable. What could I expect after all those BBQ's, Sweet Cobs of Corn dripping with butter, Ice Cream, Iced Coffees, Thick icey cool Milkshakes... It's all come back to bite me in the... or perhaps I should say, "Round out my ass."

Today, the 'Fat Pants' came down from the shelf in the back of my closet... And as I sit here typing, they continue to mock me.

"Told you so.... Told you so.... Told you so... Told you so...."

Pinhead

I'm still busier than a one legged Riverdancer but I just had to take a moment to spread the unmitigated pleasure that was my visit to the DMV.

I must first tell you that my son proposed a rather interesting bet. He challenged, that I wouldn't be able to make the DMV employee who would ultimately wait on me, smile. Seeing as I'm such a bright and sunny sort of person I took that bet and along with my sunny disposition, made my way across town, to the MVA (Maryland Vehicle Administration) building.

I'd like to state that a rather unprecedented thing happened when I arrived. I approached the front desk to state my business and was immediately sent to a cubicle for my lisence renewal... NO WAITING!!! I KNOW!!! As I approached the older, oh for now why don't I refer to him as 'Gentleman'... As I approached the 'gentleman' who was to wait on me, I instantly turned on the charm and approached him saying, "You were just waiting for me to get her I see." Taking a moment to unpurse his lips he grumbled something along the lines of, "Yes, Whatever or You got that right." I handed him my old lisence and before I could even consider letting my hair down from it's ponytail he told me to stand against the blue wall and snapped my picture.

Following what I knew was sure to be one of the worst photo sessions of my life I was asked to sit back down and look at the screen. Questions appeared on the touch screen faster than I could read them. When it got to the question regarding the 'Donor Program' I touched the yes button. That's when 'Mr. Congeniality' snapped, "What're you doin? I didn't tell you to touch the screen." I cheerily replied, "Well you didn't tell me NOT to!" After that I kept my hands in my lap as my host shook his head in disgust at having to babysit another moron. I was rather surprised when a question appeared on the screen which Mr. 'C' wanted an answer for. The question inquired as to whether I was employed. Why does the DMV need to know that, I wonder? Regardless I answered carefully and said with self-assurance. "I'm not employed outside the home, but am a Homemaker which is a job in and of itself." That's when Mr. Congeniality slipped from the 'Gentleman at the DMV' to that 'Asshole at the DMV.' His reply to my answer of employement? "That's NO job, all you do is sit around all day, load a dishwasher, maybe fold some laundry and watch soap operas."

He said WHAT?

Now you think I would've crawled across the desk, grabbed him by the collar and twisted 'til his face turned blue... But no. I instead looked at him with a sly smile and replied, "Oh, you don't really believe that DO you?... In fact, I rarely even watch t.v." He never even broke a smile as he said, "Sure you all do, you watch things like 'As the world turns' right?" Interesting that HE knew the name of a particular soap opera. Still, firmly embedded in my charming mode, even as I struggled not to bite a hole through my tongue, I said, "No, I keep busy with things like homework." "HOMEWORK?" he said, "What are you studying?" "Algebra and inter-personal relationships." I replied, though he cut me off before I could even finish my reply. "ALGEBRA? Why would anyone want to study ALGEBRA?" He said, spitting out the words as though the mere taste of them were foul upon his tongue. Maintaining my half-glass-full disposition I said, "Why, to exercise the brain of course and to build analytical thinking." I added, "Don't you believe too many people today dwell in their emotions, that we're a part of an 'It's all about me' society?" He wasn't even listening, he just continued to be confounded by the idea of 'Algebra'... My guess is he didn't do very well in this particular subject.

'Round about this point of our 'less than pleasant' conversation, I had passed my eye-exam and swiped my credit card. That's when the guy, formerly known as 'Gentleman' leaned back in his chair, graced me with one last grumpy sneer and handing me my new license said, "Your done."

I walked out of there having lost not only 10 good minutes of my life but also the bet with my son. And to add insult to injury, the picture on my new lisence makes ME look like the 'Pinhead.'

Things to do...

Wonderin' why you haven't seen much goin' on at the treehouse lately?.....
I'm busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest!

And today, TODAY, I have to detour over to the ol' MVA (that's the Maryland Motor Vehicle Admin. for you outta towners) and renew my drivers license. Oh yeah me!

I've considered seeing if I could pull a fast one on the ever cheerful DMV employee* and inform her my weight is a mere 125 lbs. but I wouldn't want her to hurt herself laughing (um yeah, like that could happen, I've never seen these people so much as smirk.) So I'm instead considering the notion of listing my weight at 350 lbs. so in case I ever get pulled over the officer will take one look at me and say, "Damn woman, you look gooood!" I'd find that much more preferable than leaving him with the impression I'd completely gone to pot!

Off to the races!



*Hi, I'm this years VP of the National Sarcasm Society, like we need your support.

"Hi! I'm Phil, What's your name?"

This weekend my daughter coerced me into joining her and a group of friends, for a trip to the Maryland Renaissance Festival... Last year around this time we attended the 'Festival' for the first time. I wasn't that impressed, but my daughter LOVED IT! She saved her pennies for an entire year to have a period dress made and to buy one of these.

So she had a great time. While I did enjoyed the time spent with friends, I loathed, the dirt, the ruthless uncomfortable benches (which are the only available seating), the port-o'-poties, but most of all I despise the crowds. I should note that you wouldn't believe there was a recession in the works by the number of people (for lack of a better term) 'pissing' their money away at 'The Festival'... The line for the ATMs alone was mind-boggling.

So back to the crowds of people...
When it came time to leave the park, (we stayed there until closing) the mass exodus in the parking lot was a logistical nightmare. Lines of cars sat idling virtually everywhere throughout the field designated for parking. My hearts desire was to reach my car at the far end of 'East Jabip' so that I might at last rest my backside on a comfortable seat with a back on it. In order to expedite the process, my daughter and I worked our way through the traffic jam at an angle in the direction of our vehicle... In a kind of 'As the crow flies' manner, separating ourselves from the rest of our group. As we were weaving our way through long lines of cars I heard a voice call out from behind me, "Hey, what's your name? My name is ??il!" I continued walking but then heard it again, "Hi, my name is ??il, what's your name?" So this time I turned around and saw a guy, roughly 20-something, sitting on the hood of a car, along with a guy behind the wheel, waiting in a stream of vehicles that weren't moving and weren't about to start moving any time within the next millenium. When I turned I pointed to myself and said, "Are you talking to me?" To which he replied, "Yeah, what's your name, my name is ??il!" I told him my name and then he said, "Hi Margie, I'm ??il!" Then he pointed to my daughter and said, "And what's her name?" I said, "That's Sarah." and he replied with, "Hi Sarah, my name is ??il!"

I have to admit I was struck by how odd this guy was, shouting across cars in an attempt to greet people, but I guess a little charmed too. So I asked him, "Did you say your name was Bill?" He said, "No, it's Phil." Then I said, "So Phil, what's up, are you just taking advantage of this opportunity to meet people? He replied with, "Yep, that's exactly what I'm doing!" So I walked the 20 or so paces back over to him, stuck my hand out and said, "Hi Phil, it's really nice to meet you!" A big smile spread across his face and he replied, "And Sarah it's really nice to meet you too!" So of course I replied, "Nope, I'm Margie." I pointed to my daughter and said, "She's Sarah." He chuckled and said, "Oh sorry, nice to meet you Margie."

Phil, probably forgot my name again before his car even exited the park, but it was a rather pleasant exchange. Later as our group sat together in the van, waiting for the traffic to dissipate, my daughter asked me to tell the others about Phil. After I shared the story one of the kids we were with asked quite puzzled, "Why do you think he was doing that?" I told him that Phil was most likely making the best of an unpleasant situation by taking the opportunity to meet new people. Then I added rather humorously, "Plus, I think he thought I was hot!" That's when another kid from our group began laughing. I smiled and looked at him and said, "You're laughing a little too hard there Mike!" He tried to apologize while trying to suppress his guffaws. That's when I informed Mike that he would be walking home. Well not really, but when he stepped out of the van for a few minutes, I locked all the doors, so that when he returned I could watch him squirm a little bit.

So yeah, I guess the 'Ren Fest' wasn't ALL that bad.

I can't help it... The Boy just cracks me up!

Next week our family is preparing for another Memorial Service at Arlington National Cemetery, for a second family member. So, tonight over dinner the subject centered around Memorial Services. My son said, "When I die I'd like something bigger than a twenty-one gun salute. Something louder and more grand... I think I'd like a huge fireworks show... Yeah, that would be great... Unless I die in some tragic fireworks accident, then it would just be inappropriate."

What?... Our family isn't morbid, we're just control freaks!